The Armchair Gooner

An Arsenal blog bringing you news, opinion and humour on a daily basis. Well, I'll try at the very least…

Danny Welbeck: The Saviour Of Arsenal’s Transfer Window…

Welcome to Arsenal…

Morning, folks.

I’m writing this post at 11:00pm last night as the deadline day window has just slammed firmly shut. However, Arsenal have just been granted an extension by the FA to secure the services of Danny Welbeck. I’m going to assume it will be completed and Welbeck will officially sign as I truly cannot be f*cked to wait around any longer for confirmation.

First things first (I’m the realest…), the signing itself (this post is going to be utterly pointless if something occurs whilst I’m sleeping). Extraordinary it is certainly not, but it is also an acquisition some distance from the label of “appalling” some have stuck to it. In fact, the more thought I give, the better it sounds. Arsenal have signed a 24-year-old England international, a Premiership winner and someone who started 70+ games under Alex Ferguson. Granted, stating those facts does smack a little of trying to gift wrap a turd, but we shouldn’t be totally devastated. Welbeck is a solid, Premiership-quality player.

With United getting Falcao (no confirmation on this one either at 11:05pm) it’s easy to see why some fans are in uproar. Continue reading

Arsenal “Very Active”, Strikers Wanted, Hooray For Deadline Day…

Poor old Yaya…

Morning, folks.

Not to put too fine a point on it; yesterday was a cack filled extravaganza. It was bloody awful. There is no point hiding from it or trying to brush it under the rug. On the day, Arsenal simply didn’t perform as well, or anywhere near, as good as we all know they are capable.

I watched the game in fits and burst thanks to the unpredictability of my BT connection but saw 80% of what occurred. Needless to say, the result was far from ideal. Leicester, for all the credit they deserve, are a team we should comfortably dispatch. If anything, we can consider ourselves very fortunate to have left with a point. The team again looked sluggish and lacking cohesion.

Most of the post-match chitter-chatter centred around Yaya Sanogo’s ineffectual performance in a team brimming with ineffectual performances. Continue reading

Loic Remy To Arsenal and Leicester City Starting XI

The moment Mesut learned of Cambiasso’s transfer to Leicester…

Hello everyone.

I want you to picture a scene.

Right about now, basking in the glory of having sucessfully moved house and with a new, faster, internet connection installed, a luxuriously-haired scamp sits at his desk feeling immeasurably more important than he ought. Knowing full well that he’s criminally neglected his blog for some time, our rambunctious Bristolian friend silently vows to amend his hell-worthy tresspass.

Then, an ill-tempered voice barks from the darkness…


So, folks, let’s be having some Arsenal talk – or text, as I’m hardly talking.

With the transfer window fast approaching, the masses are clamouring for recruits. Some urge defensive reinforcements, others look at Olivier Giroud’s lengthy absence and yearn for another striker to be brought in. Continue reading

Crystal Palace, Premiership (h): Team News, Thoughts And Predicted Starting XI

Mikel points the way.

Afternoon, folks.

Having offered you two whole posts of Dyllan Munro’s inimitable madness today, I feel compelled to at least try to put something of my own into the swirling mess of cyberspace. Buoyed by the return of Premiership football, I’ve dispensed my floundering and felt scintillating enthusiasm wash over me. The past few months have been a farrago of irksome tasks and bureaucracy, coupled with no small measure of indolence on my part. Although moving to a new home – I move this Monday – will leave me bereft on an Internet connection for the first week, I shall endeavour to post when I can.

So, onto the football.

We go into the coming season with high hopes. Justifiably so. It seems almost an eternity since good will and excitement was as prevalent amongst the supporters of Arsenal. Alexis Sanchez is a genuinely fantastic signing, Chambers, Ospina and Debuchy look solid, professional additions to the defence and there’s still plenty of time for one or two more additions. The squad looks very healthy indeed. Continue reading

The Alternative Arsenal 2014/2015 Season Preview Part 2.

Hello again, folks. 

As promised, here is the final part of Dyllan’s season preview. Enjoy it, as I’ve re-read the previous instalment and remembered he called me an “androgynous Chelsea-booted type” so now I may be forced to kill him sometime soon. Not in a particularly pleasant way. Chances are, I’ll bury him to his eyeballs in deep-fried Mars bars and observe as he is torn to pieces by rodents, the infirm and a slobbering Jokman

- James.


Our extraordinary run of form alerts FIFA who send crack detective Sep Blatter to investigate Arsenal winning every game. However immediately after disembarking the plane Sepp provokes outrage by caressing the boobs of an airport wench. Attempting to defuse the situation Sepp informs the gathered media that sexism can be quickly resolved with a handjob and then blames the gays for his actions. To avoid further attention he flees to his underground Swiss lair where he is content wanking over the corpses of recently euthanized grannies. Our game against Southampton is cancelled as just before the match, Southampton sell the ground, corner flags and ball boys to a Kuwaiti Emir. We are awarded the 3 points and 4000 nectar points.

Next up are Stoke, who having sacked Mark Hughes and selected a new manager from a shortlist of Tony Pulis, Sauron, Robbie Savage and the Yorksire Ripper, are rooted firmly to the bottom of the table with -162 points. After a probably illegal thunderbastard from Gunnersaurus had given Arsenal the lead, Stoke equalised through one of their gin riddled, wife beating, dog raping sorry excuses for a prostitute slaughtering c*nt. The incident leads to widespread protests against the Arsenal board and players lead by the irrepressible duo that obviously represent all supporters, the skanky pirate fan and that delightful Gooner with the afro instead of a personality. The players, unaware of the chaos their shambolic defending has caused, go on to score another 7 in the remaining 80 minutes. Continue reading

The Alternative Arsenal Season Preview 2014/2015 Part 1.

Morning, folks.

I did say I’d return to regular blogging, didn’t I…

Sometimes, things just don’t work out the way you’d want them to. With moving house making me irascible and my spare time at a premium because of this, those grand plans I had initially have faltered and failed to come to fruition. 

However, I do have my friend Dyllan Munro, and he likes to write article in his inimitable style. So, safe from all the usual talk of transfer rumours and regurgitated statistics, here’s his take on what we can expect in the 2014/2015 season. Part 2 follows very soon. 

- James. 

Bonjour fannybandits.

Having established myself as a sophisticated muthafu*ka in my greeting, you can rest assured that my word and opinions can not only be trusted but have been meticulously researched and as such should here forth be acknowledged as irrefutable facts and not the ramblings of a delusional student with an alcohol dependency. Continue reading

Cheerio, Vermaelen, Welcome Decent Replacement (Hopefully).

Damn those chiseled features…

Morning, all.

I’ve just completed a 16 hour shift at work. As my fingers dance across the keyboard and I gaze into the screen, delirium overwhelms me. I’m tired, boys ‘n’ girls, and when in such a state I tend to waffle, writing any old spew without thought or care for consequence.

Given those facts have been offered, I might humbly request your forgive what follows, it’s meandering nature and probable lack of anything cogent. As a matter of fact, perhaps you ought rejoice in my heroism, for I am putting mind and body on the line to produce this post for you.

*cue rapturous fanfare and ticker-tape”

Fu*k off, James…

News, now that’s something I’m sure you do want. Most of that, as far as my weak attempt at a search has produced, centres around the impending departure of Thomas Vermaelen… Continue reading