The Armchair Gooner

An Arsenal blog bringing you news, opinion and humour on a daily basis. Well, I'll try at the very least…

Arsenal: By Far The Most Infuriating Team The World Has Ever Seen…

Arsenal.

(Hello, lovelies. 

Here’s that guest post I mentioned earlier today. Be warned, I’ve chosen not to edit its content as I feel you should be fully aware of the debauched mind of its author. It’s certain to set a few pulses racing, and you’ve got the glorious Dyllan Munro to thank for writing it. 

- James) 

Arsenal.

Undoubtedly the most infuriating team in existence in any European, American, Midget or Galactic sport. We lurch from crisis to false dawn to positive runs with such alarming frequency it honestly surprises me that health services up and down the country aren’t overrun with us, all desperately clutching our exploding hearts. One can only imagine JokmanAFC charging down the wards nutting chemo patients and tipping over amputees because Swansea got a late winner to clinch all three points.

Admittedly, I have made that more evocative. Jokman is lovely and in the event of hospital emergency he would be found in the morgue anyways, looking for a lovely damsel with a bit of heat still in her… Continue reading

Middlesborough, Cheerio Joel, Gabriel Paulista?! And Stuff.

“Ha Ha Ha Ha,…. Oh, sh*t – I’ve got to pack again… “

Morning, folks.

I’ve the oddest means of preparing a blog post. Many across our glorious sphere of Arsenal writers prepare their pieces lovingly, taking time to craft each word and thought for you, the delicious peruser. Me – I’m not one of them. Don’t take this admission as a startling declaration of ambivalence to those of you that pop by – far from it. I love you all with the very fabric of my being.

I just don’t plan what I write. Instead of sculpting words into ethereal sentences, I sit back and allow whatever is occupying my head to splurge all over the screen in whichever way it chooses. There’s an honesty in it – what you read isn’t doctored or drafted, it’s fresh from the source; warts, grammatical blunders and all. It’s who I am.

Currently, I’m sat in my pants occasionally breaking from typing to dance (I love to dance) to this wonderful, wonderful song. Pants and music are what I use to prepare. And I look quite lovely dancing in my pants.

Ain’t no motherf*cker out here got nuttin’ for me.

So, Arsenal…  Continue reading

Who Is Gabriel Paulista? YouTube Is Silly And The Goonersphere Podcast.

Gabriel Paulista, here looking alarmingly like Robin van Persie’s caveman brother…

Morning, folks.

With the signing of Gabriel Paulista all but secured for an undisclosed fee (Why do Clubs often refuse to disclose fees? Is it to repell startled inhalations at such a hefty price tag? To stifle the sellers’ fans from kicking up a fuss at a player being sold under market value? Perhaps it’s to be surreptitious for no good reason. Never mind…) from La Liga outfit Villareal, I thought I’d take a moment to delve into who he actually is.

That means scouring compilation/welcome videos that have emerged all over YouTube and checking vital statistics via his Wikipedia page. With Arsenal being one of the best represented teams in terms of an online community, it came as no surprise that there are many of these. In fact, I’d go as far as saying they’re pretty much useless.

Anyone can chop together a reel of their finest footballing moments, plaster it across cyberspace and come across as half decent. I’m fairly sure I could do it. It’s simple; edit together a few choice moments, play some pulsating German techno in the background, add a few bombastic graphics and all of a sudden the internet is clamouring for me to be signed for Arsenal. Of course, they’ll be blissfully unaware of just how jarringly sh*t I actually am until they’re petitioning for me to be shot after having failed to mark Peter Crouch at a corner. Bloody zonal marking… Continue reading

Brighton Dispatched With A Little Fuss, NEW SIGNING!! And The Return Of An Arsenal Great.

Rosicky celebrates adding the 3rd with a superb volley.

Morning, folks.

It’s been a while. Lost somewhere in the plethora of false promises from myself was the inclination to blog. As I suspect you’ve already deduced, that desire proved as hollow as the words that jumped from my fingers onto your screen. I love this little site of mine; The Armchair Gooner has always represented an avenue in which I’m my own boss and I can spew out whatever balderdash floating around my head without fear of anyone telling me I can’t. Something of an anti-establishemnt, “f**k you and your authority” type, I am.

For a long time, the desire to write has been absent. Like an estranged sibling or cowardly father, it has deserted me with little or no reason – perhaps hiding in a dingy bar swigging back ale in the hope of forgetting responsibilities.

Yet here I am, referring to myself as “The Return Of An Arsenal Great”. I realise fully that’s a touch arrogant, perhaps even bordering on spectacular over-assumption of importance. Along with my aforementioned troubles with those that reside above me in positions of power, I tend to be quite narcissistic. I say ‘tend’… It’s full-blown and unabashedly so.

In short, I’ve resurfaced because that inclination has returned (I know I’m not an Arsenal great, by the way).

So without further ado, Arsenal stuff. Enough of this blathering. Continue reading

Invincible Coach At Arsenal, King Henry And CRUCIAL JOK!

The King retires.

Morning, delightful creatures.

As you might expect in light of his retirement, the column inches throughout media outlets and blogs are taken up with praise for the great Thierry Henry. As an Arsenal fan, it would be close to sacrilege to not dedicate even a few words to the man who gave us so much.

Where to begin? There are ample superlatives in the English language, a plethora of appropriate words at a writers disposal. However, none seem enough as I’m typing – brilliant, awesome, incredible, fantastic, wonderful…. All perfectly acceptable descriptions of Thierry Henry, but somehow lacking. In my eyes, the man was more than that.

Looking back at his career, he was something else – a player so breathtakingly talented that it’s easy to ponder whether he was birthed in a distant realm and is not of this planet. Continue reading

Newcastle United: Team news And Predicted Starting XI.

No Rambo today

Greetings, Earthlings.

If you were of the persuasion to locate sticks to beat Arsene with, today would be something of a golden opportunity. The paucity of defensive options within our squad has long been documented and as frequently lamented by those against the manager’s position at the Club. Today is the perfect opportunity to spout terms like “mismanagement” or “dereliction of duties”.

I’m not a anti-Arsene kinda guy by any stretch of the imagination. All the puerile bleating and demonstrative outbursts are something I avoid – both from those for and against. I find the whole sorry saga deflating and utterly pointless. However, looking at our squad today, it’s difficult not to agree that we lack cover in defence and there is only one man culpable.

Koscielny, Monreal and Chambers all miss out through a mixture of suspensions and niggles. Continue reading

Unleash The Banter Defence, Champions League Draw And Stuff.

Beware the banter biscuits.

Morning, folks.

You know how irritating it is when you click onto an Arsenal blog hoping to read news and updates only to discover that the author is rattling on about extraneous elements of his personal life? I’m that guy.

Today I have to work a lengthy shift at work and I’m looking forward to it about as much as I would were I to be forced into cutting my penis off on live television. Christmas is a time for festivity and camaraderie, that I shall not deny. It is also a time for James to be f**king irritated and consider jacking in his gainful employment in favour of writing a blog all the time. It’s a beautifully idealistic notion, but, alas, largely unfeasible.

But, hey – you want Arsenal information so bad you can taste it, so rattling on shall be put to one side momentarily and I will endeavour to press on.

I really do f**king get wound up, though, You have no idea. Working in a kitchen with egomaniacs barking instructions is something I’ve learned to ignore- empty vessels make the most sound, and all that. It’s the lack of appreciation and jaw-dropping stupidity from the higher authorities that really grinds my gears….. Continue reading