Hello again all.
I’ve a bit of spare time, so you’re getting a special bonus post today. We all hate John Terry, don’t we? He’s a loathsome human being to the core. He sums up exactly all that is wrong with the modern footballer; he’s an arrogant, cheating, self-obssesed racist. When the FA handed him a mere 4-match ban for using the phrase “you f**king black c**t”, I though that was totally insufficient when you consider the man they are banning. So I devised a few exampled of what I consider to be a fitting punishment.
Here they are:
- Death by helicopter blades. Think of the villain’s demise in The Last Boy Scout. Terry could parachute into Wembley stadium thinking he’s part of a grand ceremony, only for a crack pilot to swoop underneath him at the opportune moment. Fans cheer as pulped racist is splattered across the hallowed turf.
- Japanese video torture. Similar to water torture, but different in method. Terry would be locked away in a hellish dungeon and forced to watch a looped film of himself falling on his arse, and being kicked in the face by Abou Diaby. He would stay in there until his brain exploded with shame.
- Death by Tim Stillman. If you’ve read any of Tim’s stuff, you’ll know his disdain for Chelsea’s captain is equal to mine, if not greater. How many of you wouldn’t pay good money to attend a concert in which Tim fulfils his dream of “dancing on Terry’s face in Cuban heels”? I know I’d personally shell out a fair amount to witness that, and gladly dance the night away to a rhumba beat.
- Battle Royale. Chelsea’s entire first team and reserves squad are sent to a remote Island and forced to battle to the death. The victor choses between a contract with Spurs, or public suicide. The latter being the more popular, I’d imagine.
- Banned from football for life. Terry is forced to give up the fortune he’s accrued being a world-class c**t, and work in a menial job. He can never again return to the game he has spent a career tarnishing. Given his limited social skills, and self-absorbed nature, his most likely path is as an employee for JJB Sports.
- Golden ticket paintball. 10 lucky football fans are selected at random and allowed to spend a morning hunting Terry down with trained military personnel. Shots to the eyes and scrotum are permitted, just this once.
- Death by Twilight. Terry is forced into a Twilight convention wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with the phrase “I screwed Edward Cullen’s wife too!”. The footage of him being torn limb from limb by irritate 12-year-old girls is made available on YouTube.
- Death by Andre Santos. Terry is strapped into a car remotely controlled by our Brazilian full back, who is given a free-pass to flaunt as many traffic laws as he sees fit. The roads of London will be cleared of innocent civilians and replaced with angry velocirapotors – should he escape – and hefty items of machinery.
- Sepp Blatter sex tape. Having been administered ketemine, Terry is released into a porn dungeon occupied by an increasingly randy Blatter. Scented oils and flavoured lubricants will be available – as will a selection of bondage apparatus. The footage will be released to the Daily Star.
- Realisation of self. Terry is presented with unrelenting and convincing information that shows without doubt he is an utterly repellent c**t. Upon realising that no human being should have to endure such horror, he chooses to be shot to death by Ashley Cole’s air-rifle.
The comments are below, if you’ve a better suggestion, please feel free to say.
Thanks for reading, you beautiful bastards.