Evening, all! (I’m unable to post today, so I’m rehashing this drivel from a few days ago…)
As my girlfriend is away, I’ve nothing better to do this evening than write. So write I indeed shall. Below, for your lascivious perusal is a letter I intend to send off to UEFA:
Hello. I hope this finds you high-spirited and well.
By now, I’m sure you’ve discovered the picture of Mr Pilchard writhing with ecstasy in his litter tray. Whilst I’m certain a picture of a jovial cat will bring you nothing but happiness, it is what lurks beneath I’d like to bring to your attention.
Underneath Mr Pilchard and the pine-scented chips reside several poos he has done over the previous week. The poos are not particularly pleasant as the shop was out of Kitekat, and I’ve been forced to feed him a selection of tinned meats and various savoury treats (He quite likes the treats, actually. Sometimes I find him mewing incessantly next to the cupboard where they are kept. I’m soft, so I perhaps give in too easily and over-do the treats. He is adorable when he contently purrs afterwards, though).
The reason I bring your attention to Mr Pilchard’s morning ablutions is quite simple; I feel the picture in question is a perfectly accurate representation of your feculent and immoral organisation – what may appear to be sanitary and well on face value, actually conceals several levels of repugnant shit.
Your recent administering of bans is beyond farcical. Your higher echelon has the charisma and intelligence of sullied undergarments and you frequently chose to ignore the ill-behaviour of certain megalomaniacal representatives of large Spanish football clubs. Instead you choose to punish Arsene Wenger for pointing out the obvious failings perpetrated by one of the cretinous, Hitler-esque officials in your employ.
Your organisation is beyond a joke.
I’d like to finish by kindly requesting you engage in coitus with your disproportionately large mothers.
James ‘Raul’ Stokes
Please use the comments section as a means of petition. If your name is in there, I’ll send it with mine to UEFA.
Thanks for reading, you beautiful bastards. Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @_ArmchairGooner