Arsenal: By Far The Most Infuriating Team The World Has Ever Seen…

Arsenal.

(Hello, lovelies. 

Here’s that guest post I mentioned earlier today. Be warned, I’ve chosen not to edit its content as I feel you should be fully aware of the debauched mind of its author. It’s certain to set a few pulses racing, and you’ve got the glorious Dyllan Munro to thank for writing it. 

– James) 

Arsenal.

Undoubtedly the most infuriating team in existence in any European, American, Midget or Galactic sport. We lurch from crisis to false dawn to positive runs with such alarming frequency it honestly surprises me that health services up and down the country aren’t overrun with us, all desperately clutching our exploding hearts. One can only imagine JokmanAFC charging down the wards nutting chemo patients and tipping over amputees because Swansea got a late winner to clinch all three points.

Admittedly, I have made that more evocative. Jokman is lovely and in the event of hospital emergency he would be found in the morgue anyways, looking for a lovely damsel with a bit of heat still in her…

This resurgent feeling of Arsenal being horribly infuriating to watch has bubbled to the surface once again after our perception blowing and wonderfully surprising win over Man City. The buildup had made it very clear we were to stand no chance, as we lose against the big teams and hammer the small ones. The overwhelming narrative forced upon us by the media was that we would crumble away from home, delivered with all the subtlety of Ched Evans and a suspiciously bubbling drink.

However led by the ethereal Santi Cazorla we triumphed by two goals whilst claiming that crucial clean sheet for confidence. Cazorla was ably assisted by several players, a few of whom had been derided within our fan base. Monreal continued his excellent form of late with a sensational showing, one that earned him a higher WhoScored rating for the weekend than Chelsea’s star performer against Swansea, Eden Hazard. He’s also never broke into a mosque and kicked worshippers with John Terry so he’s got that going for him too.

Monreal’s great showing this season, and his desire to sacrifice for the good of the team as well as Gibb’s injury record must surly mean that he is currently regarded as 1st choice LB. On the opposite flank Bellerin excelled, defending well and advancing to constantly provide an out ball. His speed was essential here, always enabling him to get back to maintain our defensive solidity. And Coquelin was shit hot. Credits should be and have been rightly bestowed on a man that almost all regarded as deadwood for the way he has not only played, but also how he grabbed this opportunity, like a Romanian harlots throat, and has essentially made himself undroppable.

You might wonder how that performance, our best away from home in the league in some time, led me to be perplexed by the nature of our team. It is a warped and convoluted way of thinking I have but after a result like that I fully expect us to go on and struggle for fluency in the next couple of games. Arsenal have traumatised me to such an extent that I can’t assume the Man City game was the start of a wonderful and rewarding strategy of playing the big teams away from home. I can’t even assume it’s the continuation of a decent run of form we’ve been on. Part of the torture with Arsenal is waiting to see when the next crisis will unfold.

Basically I’m the dog in the corner, sh*tting on the carpet terrified of getting more shoes thrown at it. The great irony in this is that, the more results Arsenal put together and the better we play, the more intense the feeling of impending doom becomes. At this point I’m still not sure Arsenal isn’t Gods biggest practical joke, even better than making children exceedingly sexy to priests. When you watch Bayern, you know you’ll get overwhelming possession and lots of shots of Thomas Muller’s Gestapo officer face celebrating. You watch Aston Villa and you wonder why they’re indescribably boring, then you remember they signed Darren Bent for over £20M and you piss yourself laughing for 4 days straight.

With us, it’s impossible to know where to stand. Will it be the brittle 3-0 down before halftime to Stoke Arsenal or will it be the resolute Arsenal, capable of beating the champions with relative ease? F*ck knows.

Whilst our displays continue to fluctuate like a toddler on meth, I do expect us to clinch 2nd this year. Before you dismiss this straight away, we have 6 pointers with teams around us like Utd, Liverpool and Spurs still to come as well as an opportunity with Chelsea at home. The absence of Toure, Bony and the injury to Nasri will also impact City. Combine that with Aguero’s temperamental hamstrings and their general insipidly boring play and I feel we can finish above them.

That’s without taking into account our own strengths and returning players, even Wilshere is back in training. I know, right?

Thanks for reading a no doubt heavily edited version of this article and thanks to James as always.

(You’re welcome, Dyllan. You’re a loveable wee scallywag. There’s a comments section below this post for you wonderful readers. You can use it to post your thoughts and, most probably, complaints. 

-James)

7 Comments

  1. Not Dyllan

    I’m very glad that the armchair gooner is posting again!! love Dyllan’s contribution, hilarious and true.

    Reply
    1. James 'Raul' Stokes (Post author)

      @Not Dyllan. Cheers, Michael…

      Reply
  2. dadgooner

    What a pile of (dog) shit – can you not just enjoy our current results/supporting your team??? There is NO team who doesn’t infuriate their fans (albeit for different reasons) – spurzz fans want to enjoy another one off in the CL, chelski fans would love a history, citeh fans crave (cl) consistency, manure want fergie back……the rest would love a fraction of what we have enjoyed in the last 25 years.

    Reply
    1. goonerdyllan

      Unfortunately you appear to have missed the point of a humorous blog. I pity you and anyone that has to spend time around you and your dead, unsmiling face. Also at no point did I say I wasn’t supporting the team and at I’m fairly certain tipping us for 2nd is a solid showing of faith in the team.

      Reply
  3. realarsenalfan

    Love ur blog, but in all of that Gooner 4 life

    Reply
  4. bograt

    Jesus wept, man! During intercourse (with the woman/man/animal/ inanimate object of your choice), at the moment of climax, do you shun the pleasurable sensation and shoot devoid of joy, instead choosing to mull over the inevitable feelings of guilt and prospect of clearing up the goop? Enjoy the ride and have a nice day.

    Reply
    1. James 'Raul' Stokes (Post author)

      @bograt: This happens quite frequently when I feature Dyllan’s posts; people take it too seriously. He’s joking.

      Reply

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