If you’ve not already heard the gargantuan news flooding the Interwebs, sources and contacts have revealed exclusive details to various websites that Arsenal currently lead the race to sign Budget Microwavable Shepherds Pie.
Broken initially by Caught Offside with considerable help from that Wayne fella with the silly name I seem to always forget, the story has now turned into a juggernaut and is out of control. It may not be manned at all. Do you remember Steven Spielberg’s ‘Duel’? You know, the one where the businessman gets terrorised by a bloody big truck – you never know if there’s a driver or if the truck has become self-aware and patrols the highways at night looking for blood. This story is like that. Kinda.
Sources from Rochdale’s School For Exceptionally Gifted Hamsters were the first to hear of such antics and, through the magnificence of dance, communicated the brewing maelstrom of fact to those in the position to spew it across cyberspace.
Having caused a sensation with its performances last season, Budget Microwavable Shepherds Pie is one of Europe’s hottest properties. It is thought to be its keenness to interact with others that caught Arsene Wenger’s eye, along with an impressive return of 1 goal and 500 assists. With Olivier Giroud now resigned to a bleak and hopeless dungeon for continued naughty behaviour, it’s said Arsenal intend to go big in this year’s market.
Several quotes from important figures have emerged. Blogger, murderer and knitwear enthusiast, Dave Seager had these chilling words to say on the subject:
When I’m philosophising with house guests and the conversation turns to sex, I break out my videos of Budget Microwavable Shepherds Pie. Nothing get’s the old plumbing into action like the splendour of mince in luxurious gravy. Ohh, the potato topping… If you’ll excuses me, I’ve a pensioner to thrash.
Margret, strap yourself in, love…
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger was also questioned on the subject and stated:
Budget Microwavable Shepherds Pie is top, top, top, top, quality. We are exploring many avenues and hope to have something to tell you before the World Cup ends. I see Budget Microwavable Shepherds Pie as an ideal target for Mesut Ozil, although, Mesut will take convincing. He doesn’t like the addition of finely diced carrots and peas to any variety of pie because he thinks it’s weird. Onions are fine, mind you. But carrots, and especially peas, cause him to become enraged.
One time after training someone accidentally put baked beans into the Shepherds Pie and Mesut immediately flew to Bulgaria and killed 4 tourists. I will have to ensure nothing impacts on the harmony of the squad.
A source from somewhere inside Arsenal who wouldn’t ever dream of making something up revealed a few elements of the deal:
My contacts across World Football texted me today to say Arsenal will bid an initial £30m up front with the remainder of the fee made up by add-ons. For example, if Budget Microwavable Shepherds Pie is rightfully selected in place of Jordan Henderson in Roy Hodgson’s World Cup squad, Arsenal will pay £20m and be forced to change their name to “Cinnamon Thunder’.
It seems all is in place for our first signing to be a real show of intent. Manchester City and Barcelona are both also said to be monitoring the situation with interest, but a swift move from Arsenal is expected to see things wrapped up quickly.
Budget Microwavable Shepherds Pie has all the attributes to make a name for itself, and with the recent crushing departures of both Bendtner and Park-Ju Young, bolstering our ranks in such a way will surely reverberate around Europe. We can but sit back and hope.
That’s all for this evening, folks. All that remains is a nod towards the comments section; do you think Budget Microwavable Shepherds Pie has what it takes to succeed at Arsenal, or would you prefer to see a little less money spent on an actual human being? Let me know your thoughts.
I shall return with more tomorrow. Until then, and as always: thanks for reading, you beautiful bastards.