Arsenal Locks Horns With Spanish Giants Over £52m Rated Acrobat.

Afternoon, folks.

By the power of Grayskull, there isn’t much around in the way of news today!

We’ve got the FA Cup over the weekend which we’re not involved in – damn you, Nottingham Forest – and after that there’s the pointlessness of international friendlies to endure. I’ve had a look around and there’s nothing to get my teeth into – nothing at all. We’ve got a over 2 weeks to wait until Arsenal play a competitive match.

In moments such as this, I could choose to avoid blogging and not write something stupid. I could, but I wouldn’t be keeping true to the ideals this blog has long represented. I’ve a glorious reputation to uphold, you see. I must persevere.

The title of this post is obviously me being silly (I know it’s a touch clicky-baity). Arsenal aren’t making any plans to sign an acrobat, nor to install a tightrope walk across two sides of the Emirates stadium upon which he/she can perform death-defying feats of athleticism. There are no behind-the-scenes dealings between Arsenal and an un-named Spanish superpower to broker a incredible deal which will see an acrobat move to London on the back of a bloated fee. Arsene Wenger will not be pictured outside London Colney next to an acrobat holding a shirt that reads ‘Acrobat 11’

There is no incredibly annoying greaseball agent for the acrobat who’ll get himself stinking rich by insisting  several incredibly f*cking stupid clauses be placed into his client’s contract, as well as a ludicrous signing on fee. Nope, there’s none of that at all.

There’s no fake ‘ITK’ accounts out there promising to deactivate should the deal fall through because there just that confident in the sh*t they’re shovelling. There’s no former pundits or players immediately writing off the acrobat’s chances at Arsenal because they don’t see how Wenger can get the best out of him, or they’re concerned that he mistook a corner once in 2013 and this indicates he won’t be able to contend with the emotional rigours of English football.

There’s nobody pointing towards a lack of leadership and passion, nor is anyone compiling stats and comparing those against another acrobat at another team.

As yet, Sky haven’t dedicated an entire 30 minute segment looking at the acrobat’s every conceivable attribute. There aren’t any football hipsters claiming to have followed the acrobat’s career since the moment he evacuated his mother’s nether region, and no-one saying over-complicated football gobbledegook like this:

“Acrobat is a skilled systematic trequartista with a thorough distribution axis that compliments his complex passing regime

He has a 37% groin gyration completion when fed past the penalisation zone in a striker’s context” 

There aren’t any rivals for his signature claiming that they never liked him in the first place, and that he’s made an enormous mistake not choosing their particular favoured club over his preferred destination.

There’s none of that. All that remains is an abyss, of sorts. Nothing like James Cameron’s ‘The Abyss’. No water aliens. No Michael Biehn going a bit mental. No Ed Harris and James Cameron having a punch up because the director took things a little too far in order to gain a realistic performance. There’s no….

You get what I’m saying. There’s just not much to talk about.

That’s all for today, folks. I’ll be back tomorrow with hopefully something a little more interesting for you.

Until then, and as always: thanks for reading, you beautiful bastards.

Soundtrack to this post: 

Leftfield and Roots Manuva – ‘Dusted’ 

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