Brazilian Bernard, rumours, huge bids and more.

Snorts of derision.

Good morning, Earth creatures.

Kenneth here.

*snorts*

This week I have been on tour with the team in Asia. To ensure there’s plenty of that delicious transfer gossip we all crave, I infiltrated the club’s officially chartered plane before taking off, cunningly disguising myself as Per Mertsesacker’s bag of reserve sports socks.

It was an arduous journey across land and sea, cooped up in a bag with only a copy of Steel Magnolias and my portable DVD player for company. Now that the team are in the country, my plans to accrue transfer gossip are in full effect, and there’s plenty for me to divulge.

*snorty snorting of all snorts*

Firstly, I shall break the primary rule of ITK Club, and share with you one of my sources. Mrs Kensington has long been Arsenal’s tea lady. It is with a smile and unwelcome sexual innuendo she serves  the players warm beverages and crunchy biscuits. The old bird is also an avid listener, and takes notes when popping town a tray of Rich Tea in Arsene’s office. You want proof of our continuing relationship? How about a photo of me and Mrs K during a recent sex-filled weekend at a luxury spa:

Mrs K and I, the saucy old beast.

Whilst in Asia, we have become further entrenched in our affair, and work together to coax information from players – Bacary Sagna runs his mouth off until sundown if you ply him with enough Chocolate Digestives.  He let it slip that there could be a bid on the table for Brazilian attacking midfielder, Bernard, and a medical forthcoming as early as Friday. In light of our breakthrough, Arsene has moved quickly to deny reports, and banished Bac to his quarters without supper.

*snuffles and snuffles*

Unperturbed, we proceeded with our quest for knowledge. By now, you’ve all heard the Luis Suarez rumours. I personally can’t abide the toothy bigot, but he is a sensational talent. A bid in excess of £40m will be lodged with Liverpool any day soon. However, don’t write off Gonzalo Higuain just yet. Having threatened Jack Wilshere with a lethally sharpened Fig Roll, he confessed that Higuain (or HIG-AY-EEEEN) is stalling negotiations with Napoli purposefully to allow Arsenal the opportunity to make another bid.

Laurent Koscielny was our next port of call, and a disastrous choice it proved to be. It turns out our French defender knows little of transfer rumours, but is quite insatiable around the fairer sex. He provocatively lunged his genitals toward the fair Mrs Kensington one time too many for my liking, and action was required to defend her honour. His ankle injury was far from an incident on the training ground…

*snorts, snuffles, snorts, snorts and snuffles*

Putting the harrowing events of Koscielny behind us, the next day we cornered young Gedion Zelalem with angry growls and a scolding tea pot. The German teenager is a placid and gentle young man, and quickly broke. He told us that all this talk of Cesc Fabregas signing with David Moyes at Man United is poppycock, and that Cesc himself has assured The Boss that it won’t happen. Arsenal may indulge themselves in the luxury of the buy-back clause agreed with Barcelona when he moved there.

At this point, I realised security had been called, and opted to beat a hasty retreat. My speedy fleeing was captured by the security camera’s at Grampus Eight, leaving me unable to watch Arsenal’s 3-1 triumph there. Luckily, the opportunity the view the highlights has presented itself, and Giroud’s goal and overall performance was again noticeably impressive.

Leg it!

On that note, it is time for me to leave you. Mrs Kensington and I are to meet for some sushi later, and perhaps a game of Pokemon. All that remains is for me to point you toward to comments and hope you will contribute something towards James’ blog. He always appreciates hearing your thoughts.

6 Comments

  1. Chigooner

    I know the Arsenal Transfer Badger is a horny badger but is he a honey badger?

    Reply
  2. James 'Raul' Stokes

    He’s unquestionably both.

    Reply
    1. Chigooner

      So he’s badger who f**ks anything and doesn’t give a f**k about who knows it.

      Reply
  3. WrongFootPele

    Excellent job, as always, Kenneth. Your hard work is appreciated. Keep up the snorting and snuffling.

    Reply
  4. Rob

    I really am getting tired of all this transfer bullshit now, the quicker the silly season ends and we get back to league action the better… It is therefore quite refreshing to read Kenneth’s ITK reports (he is one smart Badger)… On the subject of the possible signing of Bernard, I’m a little concerned.. I did the usual “You Tube” search (as I seem to do with most players we are linked with) and as such my You Tube account has gone in to melt down mode recently, and from what I’ve seen of this lad Bernard, I can’t say I’m overly impressed to be honest, as from what I’ve seen of him he seems to be a bit of a lightweight, and spends most of his time rolling around on the floor (another Jose Antonio Reyes perhaps ?), if we do sign him, I think he will need quite a bit of time to adapt to the physical nature of the EPL, and we will no doubt see him kicked up and down the field a few times… Another thing is that he’s Brazilian, which worries me as well, as Wenger’s track record with Brazilian players, is far from perfect (with perhaps the only exception being Gilberto and to a lesser extent Edu) but add Santos, Denilson and Silviniho to that list and it doesn’t make great reading… Also Bernard is very young (and probably doesn’t speak a word of English) so will find it hard to settle, and also he’s being tipped as one of the ‘hottest young talents’ in World football… Has Wenger not signed enough ‘hot young talents’ during his Arsenal tenure, most of which turn out to be complete failures… Finally at a reported 21 million as a transfer fee, wouldn’t we be better adding a couple of million to that figure and buying Fellani ?…. I’m losing patience with Wenger now (and I have been one of his biggest supporters over the years), but if he fucks it up this transfer window and doesn’t bring in at least a couple of proven established big name players, then I think the mounting pressure on him from the growing masses of already disgruntled fans will finally take it’s toll.

    Reply
    1. Chigooner

      Wenger is the typical “smartest guy in the room.” He is always right and everyone else is always wrong. The type doesn’t learn from past mistakes.

      This summer transfer market will make or break him finally. Hopefully new contract talks for him will not start until well into the season at which point he either justifies it or he can go to PSG and not spend at all or spend their money on the next “teenage sensation.”

      Reply

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