The Armchair Gooner

An Arsenal blog bringing you news, opinion and humour on a daily basis. Well, I'll try at the very least…

Loic Remy To Arsenal and Leicester City Starting XI

The moment Mesut learned of Cambiasso’s transfer to Leicester…

Hello everyone.

I want you to picture a scene.

Right about now, basking in the glory of having sucessfully moved house and with a new, faster, internet connection installed, a luxuriously-haired scamp sits at his desk feeling immeasurably more important than he ought. Knowing full well that he’s criminally neglected his blog for some time, our rambunctious Bristolian friend silently vows to amend his hell-worthy tresspass.

Then, and ill-tempered voice barks from the darkness…


So, folks, let’s be having some Arsenal talk – or text, as I’m hardly talking.

With the transfer window fast approaching, the masses are clamouring for recruits. Some urge defensive reinforcements, others look at Olivier Giroud’s lengthy absence and yearn for another striker to be brought in. Continue reading

Crystal Palace, Premiership (h): Team News, Thoughts And Predicted Starting XI

Mikel points the way.

Afternoon, folks.

Having offered you two whole posts of Dyllan Munro’s inimitable madness today, I feel compelled to at least try to put something of my own into the swirling mess of cyberspace. Buoyed by the return of Premiership football, I’ve dispensed my floundering and felt scintillating enthusiasm wash over me. The past few months have been a farrago of irksome tasks and bureaucracy, coupled with no small measure of indolence on my part. Although moving to a new home – I move this Monday – will leave me bereft on an Internet connection for the first week, I shall endeavour to post when I can.

So, onto the football.

We go into the coming season with high hopes. Justifiably so. It seems almost an eternity since good will and excitement was as prevalent amongst the supporters of Arsenal. Alexis Sanchez is a genuinely fantastic signing, Chambers, Ospina and Debuchy look solid, professional additions to the defence and there’s still plenty of time for one or two more additions. The squad looks very healthy indeed. Continue reading

The Alternative Arsenal 2014/2015 Season Preview Part 2.

Hello again, folks. 

As promised, here is the final part of Dyllan’s season preview. Enjoy it, as I’ve re-read the previous instalment and remembered he called me an “androgynous Chelsea-booted type” so now I may be forced to kill him sometime soon. Not in a particularly pleasant way. Chances are, I’ll bury him to his eyeballs in deep-fried Mars bars and observe as he is torn to pieces by rodents, the infirm and a slobbering Jokman

- James.


Our extraordinary run of form alerts FIFA who send crack detective Sep Blatter to investigate Arsenal winning every game. However immediately after disembarking the plane Sepp provokes outrage by caressing the boobs of an airport wench. Attempting to defuse the situation Sepp informs the gathered media that sexism can be quickly resolved with a handjob and then blames the gays for his actions. To avoid further attention he flees to his underground Swiss lair where he is content wanking over the corpses of recently euthanized grannies. Our game against Southampton is cancelled as just before the match, Southampton sell the ground, corner flags and ball boys to a Kuwaiti Emir. We are awarded the 3 points and 4000 nectar points.

Next up are Stoke, who having sacked Mark Hughes and selected a new manager from a shortlist of Tony Pulis, Sauron, Robbie Savage and the Yorksire Ripper, are rooted firmly to the bottom of the table with -162 points. After a probably illegal thunderbastard from Gunnersaurus had given Arsenal the lead, Stoke equalised through one of their gin riddled, wife beating, dog raping sorry excuses for a prostitute slaughtering c*nt. The incident leads to widespread protests against the Arsenal board and players lead by the irrepressible duo that obviously represent all supporters, the skanky pirate fan and that delightful Gooner with the afro instead of a personality. The players, unaware of the chaos their shambolic defending has caused, go on to score another 7 in the remaining 80 minutes. Continue reading

Cheerio, Vermaelen, Welcome Decent Replacement (Hopefully).

Damn those chiseled features…

Morning, all.

I’ve just completed a 16 hour shift at work. As my fingers dance across the keyboard and I gaze into the screen, delirium overwhelms me. I’m tired, boys ‘n’ girls, and when in such a state I tend to waffle, writing any old spew without thought or care for consequence.

Given those facts have been offered, I might humbly request your forgive what follows, it’s meandering nature and probable lack of anything cogent. As a matter of fact, perhaps you ought rejoice in my heroism, for I am putting mind and body on the line to produce this post for you.

*cue rapturous fanfare and ticker-tape”

Fu*k off, James…

News, now that’s something I’m sure you do want. Most of that, as far as my weak attempt at a search has produced, centres around the impending departure of Thomas Vermaelen… Continue reading

The One Defensive Midfield Entity Arsenal MUST Secure to Right All Wrongs.

Yes, he can truly eradicate all known errors….


I’m sure you’ve missed me. Perhaps some more than others. Perhaps others more than some. Perhaps no one at all. Perhaps I find myself now having completely sunk into a self-induced oblivion. Perhaps…

Regardless of that, with a bright new season approaching, I have decided now’s the time to get back into blogging. I’m a rejuvenated man, an arbiter elegantiarum (of sorts… Okay… not at all, but it sounds fancy and I like it) and here to do my absolute best to inform, entertain and bamboozle.

*cue rapturous fanfare and ticker-tape*

So let’s get down to business….

Having not been to my beloved Emirates for a criminally long time, I was able to head down over the past weekend and catch The Emirates Cup. Continue reading

2 Deals Announced. 2 Deals ‘Confirmed’. 2 Deals Without Base?


Greetings, blog hungry masses.

Having worked what seems like an interminable amount, this bright, sunny morning in Bristol sees something of a rarity; a day off from the throes of a stifling kitchen on what is traditionally the busiest day of the year. There is a God of fortune and today he/she has decided to flash his/her beautiful smile at me.

With that, the opportunity has arisen for me to rise from a self-imposed doldrums and speak to you, the beautiful bastards of the Internet. With sincerity, I hope you’re all in fine fettle, basking in the glorious weather and generally in good health.

Platitudes aside, let’s get into some news.

It would appear that we are very close to securing a further two players in this summer’s transfer window, those players being Colombian stopper, David Ospina and Southampton’s highly rated right-back, Callum Chambers. Continue reading

Arsene Inherits Astonishing £50m Talent From Suspicious Uncle’s Will.

A man of quiet thought.

Morning, folks.

The odd moments for me are when I have plentiful bouts of time for blogging and the egregious monster of having bugger all to say rears its ‘orrible face. That is my situation at present. Usually when this occurs I decide the best course of action is to invent a particularly silly title, rattle incessantly and allow the chips to fall where they may.

Yep, that’s what I’m going to do.

I often recall fondly the first time I caught herpes. I was a young man at the beginning of a journey, she was an experienced prostitute with a heart of gold. Our paths crossed one autumn morning in the disabled toilets of a Burger King; sparks flew, angels sang and the Earth ceased to spin on its axis for the merest of moments as if the gods themselves paused to witness our union. 10 minutes and £15 later she left in a blur of cheap perfume and ill-fitting, trampy footwear. Gone, but never forgotten. Where are you now, Shaniqua?

No. That’s a bit weird.  Continue reading