The Armchair Gooner

An Arsenal blog bringing you news, opinion and humour on a daily basis. Well, I'll try at the very least…

Arsenal. Muck. Cack. Pants. Balderdash. Rubbish Performance.

Even Klopp was surprised at how pants Arsenal played…

Morning, folks.

It’s hard to know where to begin. I’ve had sufficient time to digest the horrors before my eyes last night, to make sense of the madness, yet I find myself coming back to the phrase that erupted from my lips when the final whistle blew:

F*ck off, Arsenal.

It was, in no uncertain terms, a woefully inept performance. I did consider singling out Mikel Arteta for some scathing criticism as I thought he was uncharted levels of sh*t-awful, but that wouldn’t be particularly fair as his was far from the only poor display. Collectively, we simply didn’t turn up and allowed a Dortmund side some distance from their strongest to waltz through our midfield and defence seemingly at their leisure.  Continue reading

Wilshere and Alexis Impress, Arsenal Draw, Ozil Gets Abuse.

Mesut greats the haters.

Morning, folks.

That was a very good game of football we witnessed yesterday. It ebbed, it flowed, chances were created, goals were scored. Had I been watching from a neutral’s perspective, I would have enjoyed it immensely.

Of course, I’m an Arsenal fan so I enjoyed certain moments of the game immeasurably, only to be left ruing blunders and avoidable concessions in others. Whilst 2-2 against a side of City’s calibre isn’t anything remotely like a terrible result, I can’t help feeling we could have gotten better. That said; City’s supporters could quite easily make the same claim, and taking everything into account a draw was a fair outcome.

By now, you’ll have all seen at least highlights of the game, read a report or have been told what happens so a brief recollection of the main events strikes me as a little pointless (I never report the game’s moments, but feel the need to explain why on occasion.). Instead, I shall discuss a few of the players that received praise/abuse.  Continue reading

Glorious, Superb, Fantastic, Unbridled Ecstasy, We’ll Just Forget The First 10 Minutes….

2014 Winners.

Afternoon, folks.

In my 35 years of residency on planet Earth, I’ve never suffered with migraines.          Like the rest of you, most probably, I assumed they we’re just a really bad headache. The past week, mainly due to a combination of heat, stress and fatigue, I’ve begun having them. They are not like a really bad headache, nope; they’re far, far worse.

I watched the game in a bustling Bristol centre yesterday in sweltering heat with a very large turn out of Gooners and regretfully had to cut the celebrations short due to my pounding cranium. However, the pain it caused me to be in such a vociferous and jocund environment was worth it in each and every way conceivable.

Apart from the opening 10 minutes of the game.

Up until Santi Cazorla thundered in that fabulous free-kick on 17 minutes, I don’t think I’ve ever felt the hope and enthusiasm drain out of me faster. Genuinely, I was stood jaw agape wondering if what was occurring in front of me was actually happening or just a work of the evils that occupy my mind. Continue reading

Diaby’s Reception, Ramsey’s Rocket and Jenkinson’s Magnificent Celebration

Carl was as surprised as anyone.

Morning, folks.

Well, that’s it then; another Premiership season all over. Seems to have flown by, doesn’t it? What occurred might not have been to our wishes as Arsenal fans, but few could dispute it’s been a season without talking points and the occasional flash of brilliance.

As expected, for the majority of yesterday’s game the events unfolded in a slightly dreary and resigned manner – the kind of casual pace you rarely see in the Premiership unless it’s a last-day fixture with nothing riding on it. Arsenal comfortably controlled the game against a beleaguered Norwich side who rarely threatened at all. Continue reading

Uber-Podolski, The Maligning Of Giroud And 3 Scrumptious Points.

2 goals and a good display. Lovely.

Morning, Earthlings.

Last night’s match was a very welcome sight; 3 goals, 3 delicious points and, barring a spell of around 4 minutes when West Ham had the lead, mercifully short of reason for concern or palpitations. As if often the case with Arsenal; what should be relatively straight forward invariably turns to nerve-shredding tension and reason to remove enormous clumps of hair in sheer terror. When there’s a quest ahead, it certainly appears that way to those of us who dedicate our spare time to following them.  We have 5 games remaining this season, if they all go in a similar fashion to last night’s we might make it out of this season with our sanity in tact.

There’s a lot to talk about other than the very welcome result. Two players – Podolski and Giroud – stood out on the night for varying reasons. I thought I’d use this opportunity to discuss both.

Doesn’t that make me sound a touch self-important? Let’s be honest here; who the f**k am I anyway, other than a tall dandy with a glorious accent prone to covering himself in jam during moments of ill-advised ‘humour’. Often I’ll read through lengthy posts containing opinion and think to myself, “Really? Do you honestly think anyones cares what you have to say?”. I guess the key to blogging is the realisation that we’re all pretty much irrelevant in the grand scheme of things; just simple folk sharing our thoughts to those that might stumble upon them.  Continue reading

Arsenal Out Of The Title Race; Cruel Misfortune Costs.

The Running Kim looked pretty useful.

Morning, folks.

When the match finished last night, I had a bath. Normally I’m strictly a shower kinda guy. That might sound like the most pointless and inane of admittance, but it is relevant in a way. Amongst other things, Arsenal can cause me to get wound up. When those other things combine with my beloved football team, they create a sort of uber-stress and the notion of soothing bath appealed to me. To cut a tedious story shot; I thoroughly enjoyed it – no candles – and, if you’re currently filled with Arsenal-induced tension, I can highly recommend one. I might even stretch as far as to buy myself a little rubber duckie.

So, onto the game…

For a minute I enjoyed it, the remaining 89 plus time allotted for stoppages was excruciatingly bloody awful. Nerves were apparent all through the team, which is to be expected, but the fear of failure amongst the players was palpable. The sense of Arsenal easing out games that once was a feature of our play has long deserted us. However, I can’t really offer that many excuses for what I saw. Any team with the aspirations we have should be dispatching Swansea with minimal fuss. We shipped and early goal and although we got ourselves into a winning position thanks to a quick double from Podolski and Giroud, the sense that we wouldn’t hold on was overwhelming.  Continue reading

“I’m Going To Try And Put A Positive Spin On That Result”

Kieran Oxlade-Chamberlain gets his marching orders….

Morning, folks….

Comfortably the worst part about typing today’s entry is the sense of deja vu I have. When freakish results occur, banishing them as quickly as possible from memory is simple. After all, they’re just one of those things that happens. When an eye-gaugingly bloody awful performance away from home occurs 3 times within the same season, you have to start to ask questions.

Where did it all go wrong?

When you write an Arsenal blog you’re expected to have answers, or to “put a positive spin on what’s occurred”. In other instances, your followership gleefully click on the latest entry to read a lambasting of everything from the team to the manner in which biscuits were distributed as tea is served. I intend to do neither, mainly because gleaning any positives from that result is an impossibility and I’m far too tired of all the hatred and anger to contribute to any of it. All I can offer with any certainty is my feeling of dejection having watched what is unquestionably the worst Arsenal performance of my supporting life.  Continue reading