Deadline Day Mega Exclusive: Nothing Is Going To Happen.

Afternoon/evening, folks.

Upon reading through today’s earlier entry, I noticed a catastrophic blunder; through all my meandering, I criminally omitted anything pertaining to our beloved Deadline Day. No mention of how much TV-ordientated bulls*t it is. Not a word about Jim White and his poxy yellow tie. Nothing. Not a jot. I hang my head in shame and hope for forgiveness.

So, seeing as I’ve a few spare moments at home and nothing better to entertain myself with, I though why not, James – let’s write something about January 31st that’s informative and will serve you, the delicious reader, well throughout the remaining hours.

So, with all that in mind, I figured I’d offer a breakdown of what to expect as websites and their unscrupulous owners begin to scurry around for something they can bombastically splurt across the internet in hope of being noticed. Maybe that’s not dissimilar to what I’m doing, but I’m being ‘ironic’ and ‘humorous’ so it’s definitely allowed….

What I’m going to do is give you some example headlines you’ll be seeing and a brief description below explaining what I think they really mean and their general purpose. It’ll be fun, honestly. So why not grab yourself a cup of tea, a biscuit, a porterhouse steak or whatever you may fancy. Sit back, relax and allow the hilarity to consume every inch of your being…

Arsenal head race for £50m want-away star from huge Spanish club currently in Spain”

Make up a price. Make up a reason for leaving. Perhaps said player once said he didn’t like paella. Choose player, (choose life, choose a job, choose bananas, choose a Hamwich, choose heroin, choose anything Danny Boyle directed) preferably of French origin to enable link to Arsene Wenger. Include no mention to any of this in the article. Instead discuss free range eggs or the Falklands war. 

“£15M rated star signs on the dotted line at Arsenal”

Find a player who Arsenal purchased for around £15m. For the sake of an example, we’ll say it’s Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. Proceed to write 1000 words about a source inside Arsenal that states they witnessed The Ox agree to Apple’s terms and conditions when installing the latest update for his iPhone. 

“Arsenal announce shock bid sure to destabilise the space-time continuum as player arrives in London for medical

It’s 9pm and nothing is happening. Desperation kicks in. At this stage, articles go into full-blown lunacy and absolutely anything goes. Claims should include Arsene Wenger in talks with Stephen Hawking and anything that could be related to a medical… Perhaps Karim Benzema once stopped to buy some fruity throat lozenges at a Co-op in London. Maybe Lionel Messi enjoyed a Lemsip gazing across Piccadilly Circus. Or we could stretch to Jamie Vardy contracting an irritating venereal disease in a derelict car park in Slough. He was probably dogging (allegedly).

“Arsenal Wenger handed £300m WAR CHEST and lists his targets for enormous summer raid on transfers”

The window is now shut. It’s one minute past the deadline and there’s months until it reopens. In order to keep those transfer-hungry folk clicking away, advertisement whores and the devil’s click-baiters promptly turn their attentions to the summer and what might occur then. This can be any old crap as long as there’s mention of a ‘source’ who’s somehow miraculously fed all the information about Arsenal despite being a f*cking tea lady.

That’s about how I’d sum it all up, folks. It is the season to read dross and hogwash. Yet it is the world in which we live. If you’re a writer or blogger and your field is football, this is what you have to contend with. I know full well I could triple my daily hits by simply utilising a few misleading headings. It’s a tough, over-saturated market.

However, there is a website I very much enjoy that was created solely for the purpose of ridding the humble reader of click-bait. The Highbury Library aggregates all the Arsenal blogs written by people happy simply to share their thoughts and opinions. It’s a wonderful idea and separates all the good stuff from the bad – even I’m on there now. So I’m probably a bit biased, but hey – we’re all friends here. I’d imagine you all expect such things from me by now.

Seriously though – check it out.

I suggest you all go there this evening before the game kicks off. I shall be back soon with more. Until that time, and as always: thanks for reading, you beautiful bastards.

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