Today, as I’m feeling particularly bone idle, and I have to spend my Sunday cooking for people when I should be trawling through football news, I have a guest post from the recalcitrant Scottish imp, Dyllan Munro – he’s a lovely little scamp really…
He’s kindly penned me this little ode to The Flame – all the more pertinent in light of the news of The Flame’s groin injury keeping him out of the team for the next 3 weeks:
For some He is known as Araxes, bringer of devastation. To others He is simply known as a creature of myth that if considered at all should be treated with only fear. For the Arsenal fans He is the divine feet of retribution and justice. For He is Flamini.
Before He was reincarnated enemies roamed the wasteland of our midfield without danger, as our strength faded and defensive discipline crumpled. Now He has returned and has spent the last month harvesting the souls of the fallen. His re-emergence into the Emirates was a two footed challenge on a mutated foe that the enemy called “Rose”. The tackle was accompanied by the shout “Accept This Sacrifice, O Mighty Satan!”. However even the AntiChrist had absolutely no desire to meet such a depraved creature and rejected the offering with the words “Let God Sort That Shit Out”. Since then Flamini has patrolled in front of our defence seeking to appease any and all deities which applaud ritual sacrifice.
Rumours rapidly spread around the Emirates of His exploits in riding the world of those He deems unworthy. When He cannot kick the problem out of existence He simply blinds the enemy to prevent them from looking upon his grace. Foe after Foe from a desolate shithole called “Stoke” was struck down by Flamini for He is the blood red hand of retribution. Men cower before Him whispering words of appeasement as they seek to maintain their worthless existence whilst shins splinter when He is near for He is Flamini.
Flamini was not born unto this world for He has always existed, just not on this material plane. He ventured into our world accompanied by his companions Doubt and Vengeance and they marauded their way into the European heartland, halted only by a biased referee and a determined Catalan group of bandits. Unconfirmed reports suggest that mere minutes after that defeat He named his feet War and Pestilence and vowed never to experience the bitter taste of loss again.
Flamini was also angered that his return to North London was accompanied by mutterings of discontent for they had clearly forgot that he was a scourge to his enemies, a violent presence to stem the tide seeking to charge through our players. Instead Arsenal followers focused on a new player in our ranks, that of Mesut Özil The Glidetacular. The German was a talented addition to our ranks to be sure yet Flamini was confused why his return was unheralded since this new “Özil” had killed no men and slaughtered no children. Flamini had exterminated cities, watched empires crumble and was an agent of carnage. The Emirates faithful have since released their error and every morning butcher 4 otters as tribute to our Dark Master. Now he plans to press on and lead us to a new Golden Age for He is Flamini and He is now invincible.
Thanks for reading and remember to share. This article was partially inspired by the worryingly erotic admiration for Flamini by the one and only James “Raul” Stokes, may his passing cleanse the world.
Splendid stuff Dyllan – aside from that last part, you egregious little scumbag – many thanks go to you, sir. You know the drill, folks; drop me a comment, and thanks for reading, you beautiful bastards.