Higuain deal is alive/dead, odd midfielder linked, and a keeper, too!

Welcome to the news.

Good afternoon folks.

Welcome to a new feature on The Armchair Gooner.

With James ill and incapable of posting anything remotely sensible at present, writing duties will be taken up by me. You can call me ‘ATB’, although my first name is Kenneth, if you prefer. Every Sunday during the summer I’ll be rummaging and snorting my way through the dense and grubby foliage of transfer rumours.

Fortunately for you, I’m very much “in the know”. Many nights I have spent looting Stewart Robson’s trash for clues – incidentally, that man uses Vaseline like it’s going to be an obsolete product soon – and I have some tasty morsels to share with you today.

*snorts and snuffles*

Gonzalo Higuain will be an Arsenal player next week. Or perhaps the week after that. Or maybe never. Or next Tuesday at 3.30pm as long as there is a 50% chance of rain, and the astrological signs have aligned correctly. One thing is for absolutely certain; it will happen.

The burly Argentinian will sign on for £23m, or perhaps a little more than that if Real Madrid continue to attempt to bleed Arsenal dry. Who do they think they are? Scoundrels…

*snuffles and snorts*

Elsewhere on my travels, another name has been added to the plethora of defensive midifled targets. Stephan Mbia of Queens Park Rangers astounded all with great performances that lead to his side’s relegation, and the chase for the player is hotting up. With Arsenal already looking at established stars such as Fellaini and Bender, why wouldn’t they turn their attentions to someone who isn’t as good? He’s not a terrible player, but Arsenal can do better!

*snorty snuffling*

Most of you thought we are only after Julio Cesar. You were mistaken. My ITK sources, that I absolutely haven’t stolen or invented, tell me that Arsenal are also interested in Frederico Marchetti of Lazio. Yes – I realise that news in on Sky Sports, but I in fact had the scoop 4 weeks ago, yet was unable to share it with you. Have you tried typing and using a computer without opposable thumbs? Better still – try being a badger using the internet in a Cafe, and see how you like the eerie stares from passers-by.

*snorty snuffly snorts and snuffles*

That’s all for this week. I have to locate the offices of Caught Offside and give their entire research department bovine TB. Until next week, boys and girls; you all stay well, and leave me a treat on the back door step for when I come to visit.

Crisps are nice, but not pickled onion Monster Munch. They give me terrible gas.

35 Comments

  1. ojuade

    Please if ypu dont know what to write again, just go and sleep.

    Reply
    1. James 'Raul' Stokes (Post author)

      I’ll have a word with Kenneth…

      Reply
  2. samklf

    Are we really welcome higuain at arsenal very soon an i wish him success at arsenal………up gunners

    Reply
  3. Catherine

    Ha ha! Funny!

    Reply
  4. arsen benger

    Madrid have played dirty,Arsenal are penny-pinching as usual

    Reply
  5. Kensi

    this is total rubbish. please not write ever again.

    Reply
    1. 2amkickoff

      Kensi, go take a chill pill. This is a well crafted, witty piece of work, obviously way too far above your level of comprehension. Back to the drivel of the tabloids for you.

      Reply
  6. klaus.pj@FB

    “CaughtOffside” ? … If anyone wants to know what’s definitely NOT going to happen then can go and read that crap they produce. They are really always ‘offside’. There are a few more you can find generally “looked up” by NewsNow – fortunately can be blocked 🙂

    Reply
    1. James 'Raul' Stokes (Post author)

      I think you’ll find that’s why Kenneth intends to give them bovine TB.

      Reply
  7. bin

    why arsenal takes times to sign players.

    Reply
    1. reallycrossross

      Because it’s the Law. And the Law is a Dick!!!

      Reply
      1. James 'Raul' Stokes (Post author)

        You certainly have a point, Ross.

        Reply
  8. Leaky

    I just want to say that if we are buying anyone we better do that now and on good time to avoid mid season flops again.

    Reply
  9. rhey ghodho

    honestly, im so tired and sick of naughty professor assin wengo and his stupid old board. they can even buy pele, maradona, platini etc……..muppets. sorry, i mean empty heads. crooks

    Reply
    1. James 'Raul' Stokes (Post author)

      Makes me furious, too. Pele’s asking price wouldn’t be that high.

      Reply
  10. saitore

    does it mean there is no alternative to higuain? get other players! madrid shldnt waste our time on negotiating table. other clubs are ready to do business.

    Reply
  11. crackhead

    Can i have some of that…
    what ur snorting?

    Reply
    1. James 'Raul' Stokes (Post author)

      Sure, just send £120 to my PayPal account.

      Reply
  12. Opeyemi Onadeko

    I HAVE TIRED 4 HOW MENY WEEK

    Reply
  13. gary

    there will be no marque signings coming,wenger will take his 30 pieces of sliver sign a new contract and satisfy his paymaster by getting wage bill to boost profits .

    Reply
  14. James 'Raul' Stokes (Post author)

    Jeez.

    Miserable bunch today… Have a little faith!

    Reply
  15. Veer

    Feels extremely strange not having the last line as ‘Thanks for reading, Beautiful Bastards’

    Reply
    1. James 'Raul' Stokes (Post author)

      Thank you, Veer, for reading, you beautiful bastard.

      Reply
  16. alanbstardmp

    not happening

    Reply
  17. The BearMan

    Somehow I feel this deal is already done, just the clubs having agreed to keep it under their hats.

    Reply
  18. Mikaxa xukaxa

    Madrid is just toturing us and i can see a smirk on daniel levy’s face

    Reply
  19. mav361

    James maybe you end your blogs with
    “Thanks for reading you Miserable Bastards” in future
    Fuck me where’s the love gone guys n gals

    Reply
    1. James 'Raul' Stokes (Post author)

      Not sure that would go down too well…

      Reply
  20. j4kanor1

    I’m sick of hearing rumours! I want to here fact. So many different views of who’s coming and going from Arsenal its unbelievable. Please say that Arsene is going to purchase more big name stars other than Gonzalo Higuain?! How the hell are we supposed to win the league + other trophies if the only players we got are the ones from last season; Gonzalo Higuain and a bunch of youth players from terrible sides in the French Ligue 1 & 2 and the Bundesliga. Teams like Chelsea are going to have players like Edinson Cavani who is a top class striker; what are Arsenal going to have….. Gonzalo Higuain, Olivier Giroud and Yaya Sanogo who has yet to prove himself for Auxerre which needless to say are a TERRIBLE Ligue 2 French side (The French 2nd Division is almost the equivalent to Npower League 1 over here). Higuain is a FANTASTIC player, but one man doesn’t make a team and Wenger is going to need to purchase a few more players of Gonzalo’s standard before he has convinced me that Arsenal have the talent to win trophies (Its okay purchasing really young players, but how many of Wengers “future stars” have ever come to anything? Players like Marouane Chamakh and Denilson were supposed to be the next big stars; after all the investment they have had to become big on the footballing stage, in the end Wenger has done everything possible to try and get rid of them because they are complete failures and never matched the expectations of Arsene or Arsenal as a club). Its early doors to judge Wenger’s decision during the transfer window just yet, but the vibes that you get from the media don’t fill you with confidence that Wenger is going to spend the money wisely. Fingers crossed he spends his £70 million budget wisely!

    Reply
  21. Brook

    Is Kenneth Billy the fucker upper’s brother?

    Reply
    1. James 'Raul' Stokes (Post author)

      He is. Well spotted!

      Reply
  22. Seattle Gooner

    So I met this guy in a bar who had a mate that lived in London but died a couple of years ago. Anyway his friend spoke to him from the beyond through a plate of beans and toast and told him that Wenger is not going to spend the 70-100 mil war-chest on top, top players. Instead during the upcoming Asia tour he is buying a time machine from a secret Japanese laboratory that’s being partially funded by a consortium of Saudi rich guys and, wait for it, is going back 10 years and returning with The Invincibles. On a side note, at the same time a bunch of former Arsenal stars will suddenly disappear in the Bermuda Triangle while vacationing together to celebrate the 10-year anniversary of the start of the unbeaten season.

    Reply
  23. ijjodihnogeoffrey

    pliz what wrong,others journalist a saying the deal is almost done but for u a giving for us something different,pliz if u had nothing pliz go on bed.madam is waiting you,stop lies to us

    Reply
    1. James 'Raul' Stokes (Post author)

      I have absolutely no idea what any of that means.

      Reply
  24. fredrikc newalkasi

    higwayin wiel sine nek weak to maike it a all trofys teams winnas,you tayk im too the whole an dunc its trues you see mahk mye wohrds gurlsy .hes dahd sayd soo an hes noht lyers

    Reply

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