Morning, boys ‘n’ girls.
Arsenal-related happenings take something of a break now that the season has whimpered to a conclusion – those of the pertinent persuasion, anyway. In the place of match reports, team discussion and howls of derision comes the bombastic hilarity of transfer gossip. From now until the season re-starts in August, cyberspace will be awash with flummoxing drivel and balderdash.
Many find themselves riled by this. Not yours truly. It’s a dirty secret to admit to you all, but I kinda like it. In its own way, once you allow yourself to settle into the preposterous nature of it, the farrago and hullabaloo is quite entertaining. But, needless to say, those thirsty for knowledge of Arsenal’s next, bright and shiny addition can easily find the plentiful smorgasbord of dross maddeningly unhelpful.
Never one to shirk my responsibilities as an important member of Arsenal’s online community (I couldn’t finish writing that without laughing), I figured now would be the perfect opportunity to present all of you wonderful individuals with an extensive guide to traversing what awaits us. So, folks, here’s my list of what to look out for… I’ve called it, ‘How To Survive The Transfer Window’. Unlike ‘How To Survive In South Central’, busting a cap is not fundamental. Unless, of course, you’d like to, then feel free.
- Words such as ‘Swoop’ and ‘War Chest’
You’ll see a lot of this. Managers, bewilderingly, will seemingly spend a great deal of time circling the airspace around professional footballers before swooping – presumably unannounced – down from the heavens, latching their talons into the back of the unsuspecting and then flying back to their respective training grounds. Arsene Wenger is hardly a spring chicken. Whilst undeniably a fit man, I’d question his litheness when it comes to aerial assaults. This could explain his reluctance to sign players….
‘War Chests’ are equally strange. Large cash reserves are exactly that – reserves of cash set aside to sign players. War chests, on the other hand, logically would be ornamental wooden boxes containing instruments of death. You know; hand grenades, sinister blades, carbine assault rifles, creepy masks, trained animals (Herring, for example) and bludgeoning weapons. None of these prove particularly useful when attempting to prize Karim Benzema from Real Madrid and homicidal mania invariably leaves a bad taste in the mouth when entering contract negotiations.
If Arsene has a £80m “War Chest” then I’d say it’s safe to assume he’s lost his mind and is looking to seriously f*ck somebody up. Or invade Poland.
2. Jarringly unnecessary use of CAPITALISED words in titles.
Yes – I did exactly the same in the title of this post. Because I’m THAT zany, folks. The practice of using capitalised words is simply to GET YOUR ATTENTION. The reason your attention needs to be grabbed is because what you’re about to read – regarding transfers – is probably total, unmitigated horse sh*t of the highest order. It’s actually one of the few things thrown up at this time of year that irks me. This is mainly because it just makes no sense to do it. I imagine those sat behind a PC or laptop assume,
“What’ll really make this poppycock I’ve just written stand out amongst all the other poppycock is a randomly capitalised word. That’ll get people talking. Maybe they’ll be so enamoured by my brilliance I’ll be sent gifts and decorative jewels in return. Yes! That’s exactly what’ll happen. Right… I’ll capitalise the word, “PLAYER'”
Do the same people apply a similar thought process to their personal lives?
“Hey Steve, apologies, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to ATTEND tonight’s marathon session of Harry Potter films due to a unforeseen mishap with my DRY CLEANING. Speak to you during the WEEK xx”
As a general rule, anything you read that contains capitalised words in the title is a load of sh*t. Aside from this post, which is pretty awesome, I think we’ll all agree…
3. Lazy transfer equations.
When sources dry up, jackass mathematics comes into play. This is deliciously simple. Take something obvious; Arsene Wenger is French. Add to that a player currently excelling for a so-called lesser team who is also French. Finish with a completely fabricated figure proposed to secure a transfer – the more precise the better, for example; £45.7m. Once your equation is place, write an article without anything resembling substance or fact and sit back and wait to be called a c*nt in the comments section as your hits go into the stratosphere. Works best when combined with points 1 & 2.
“Arsenal set to dip into £80m WAR CHEST in audacious £45.7m SWOOP for N’Golo Kante”
4. Have a budget lobotomy
If you’re at the end of your tether and can’t wait for it all to end, but lack the will power to stay away from the Internet for the next 4 months, you could always consider having your brain frazzled. Granted, this might seem a bit severe, but the results are unquestionable. Any recipient can look forward to drooling uncontrollably onto their Arsenal shirt whilst nurses bring you 3 meals a day, all whilst blissfully unaware of what’s going on across the web and at Arsenal. Don’t ask me where these procedures might be obtained, as I’ve no idea, but I’m sure a friend or close relative would be willing to attach your head to an strong electrical source and see what happens.
Warning; potentially irreversible and probably illegal.
5. Know your sources
Possibly the most obvious – stick to those you trust. There’s always going to be blabbering dipsh*ts across the land itching to bump their stats and get some tasty paid advertising regardless of what it takes. Mercifully, we amongst the AOC (Arsenal Online Community, not Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain) can rely upon many talented writers – people who won’t spend 30 minutes writing something like this. If you don’t know them, simply Google, ‘Arseblog’, ‘Goonersphere’, ‘The Hot Stepanovs’ or ‘Tim Stillman’. Those guys will give you all the insight, facts and fun articles you could possibly hope for.
With that, boys ‘n’ girls, I shall bid you farewell for today. Tomorrow I have an article planned about Theo Walcott and the likelihood of his departure from Arsenal, as well as my thoughts about it. It will be a serious article, I promise. Until that time, I’ll point you lovely folk towards the comments section and thank you all for reading, you beautiful bastards.