How To Treat A Modern Footballer.

Whatever you do, don’t forget!

Morning, folks.

By now you’ll have all seen or heard the stories about Yaya Toure and the birthday cake that never was. Evil Manchester City, in a truly despicable act, just decided that they wouldn’t get a birthday cake for poor, down-trodden, £200k-per-week, Yaya Toure.

I know what you’re thinking; how can the owners of a multi-million pound sports franchise allow themselves to mistreat a player in such a way? Well, I’m lost for both words and an explanation, but my thoughts at this time go to Yaya Toure. I can only imagine the desolation and misery he must be feeling right now. If I was earning close to £1m-per-month and I didn’t receive a birthday cake… Well, the thought is too harrowing for me to even consider.

With that in mind, I devised the list below of a few things it’s essential to give to our modern footballers – a list that, hopefully, will ensure that no more breaches of a person’s basic human rights. I’ve called it “How To Treat A Modern Footballer” and here it is: 

1. Internet Access

Wether it be Instagram, Facebook or Twitter, professional players need the ability to post pictures of themselves at all times.

2. Genuine Affection

All that money can buy most things the average fan can only dream of, but it doesn’t get you a pat on the back, a cuddle, a birthday cake, a handshake or being told you’re very special and everyone loves you.

3. Prostitutes

Footballers are a horny bunch and the feelings of others is often a secondary concern – yes, Ryan Giggs, I do mean you. There should always be a bountiful selection of harlots on hand to provide services with absolute discretion – some over 45 if they’re working within Manchester United.

4. Agents

We can’t have our professional players making any decisions now, can we? What they’ll need more than anything is a self-important pr*ck in an ostentatious suit, preferably a failed footballer or close family member, who’ll put the flashing dollar signs in his eyes above everything else. Family, friends, a sense of loyalty and pride should all be cast aside in favour of that bumper contract.

5. Clothing range

When training finishes and footballers head back to their enormous houses filled with every technological advance imaginable, what are they to do? They’ll need a project that will further their exposure to the masses and simultaneously massage their ego.

6. Above The Law

No, not the early 90s Hip Hop group I’m very fond of, but the feeling of not needing to worry about prosecution of any variety and if there is a little bother, a pathetic fine from the FA should suffice. If there’s an England international involved who’s a complete racist c*nt then actual video evidence of indiscretions should not matter either.

7. More Prostitutes

One every now an then won’t be enough. They’ll need an army on hand at a moments notice.

8. Nandos

If you’re earning a fortune, why not spend a little of that had earned cash in a god-forsaken chicken establishment, maybe even take an unscrupulous trollop there when she’s only dating a footballer she assumes will throw money at her.  No training ground should be built without 8 Nandos within a 5 mile radius.

And that’s my list, folks. I’m sure none of you are actually going to take a word of it seriously, but I do feel compelled to mention – just to be sure – that is is just me being idiotic and writing any old hokum that’ll serve as a post.

What remains is me pointing toward the comments and asking you to add anything essential you feel I’ve overlooked. Do it for the fun, the silliness, but most importantly of all; do it for Yaya Toure.

I’ll be back tomorrow. Look out for the Goonersphere Podcast going live at some point this afternoon/evening. Until then, and as always; thanks for reading, you beautiful bastards.

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