Keyboard Warriors, Roger Daltrey’s Buttered Beasts And My Favourite Arsenal Haircuts.

Greetings, Earthlings.

We’ve the pressing concern of a fixture tomorrow, so that invariably leaves Friday’s bereft of newsy goodness. There’s the usual bits ‘n’ bobs floating around out there, but nothing particular or worthwhile. So, as the two of you that read this site will attest; in such moments of news paucity, I often throw out suggestions to the glorious world of Twitter, with varying results – some sensible, some not so sensible. So, here’s what was served up by my peers in the Arsenal online community:

That’s a fairly easy one to start with. I guess I’d have to say I’m not a fan of it. Once upon a time – during my peak blogging days circa 2014 – I was called a “massive c*nt” on account of describing a particular brand of porridge incorrectly. Whilst I must admit I overlooked just how seriously some people take their brands of oaty breakfast treats, it was a little unwarranted, and goes to show that no matter what you’re talking about; someone will think you’re a bit of a c*nt.

If you’ve spent a few minutes sharing your opinion with Arsenal fans online, you’ll know full well that abuse is mere moments away. It doesn’t matter which of the particular factions you might claim your allegiance lies – if any – the opposite party is never short of people who only know how to argue with obscenities. My mother always used to say to me, “Empty vessels make the most sound”. There is no better mantra to adopt when dealing with keyboard warriors.

However, If I’m being totally honest, I’d have to admit to I’m capable behaving like a bit of keyboard warrior myself. By that I mean I’ve used naughty language when disagreeing with others. Occasionally it’s tough not to state your views when confronted with something/someone you consider breathtakingly stupid, but, in all honesty, the only sensible action is to take no notice at all. You can’t win against idiots; they’ll bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. Opinions are all subjective and I’m just as much an idiot to others, I’m sure.

Next one:

An allegedly wonderful company, should you require animals delivered for any reason. However, once I ordered a Clarky Cat from their premises. On my way to pick up up my delivery, I looked up to see one of their staff members in a microlight committing an overhead perversion. This should have been my first warning. I proceeded into the reception area which was unmanned – the lady ordinarily on duty had watched a deeply disturbing broadgramme the night before and was signed off sick with ‘nervous exhaust’.

I took the stairs to the 12th floor and was nearly forced into committing a stairwell nonce bashing after someone attempted to fondle me. Only the thought of rendering another human being quadrospazzed on a life-glug prevented me from doing so. By now, I’d lost enthusiasm and decided to go home. Their CEO has since been arrested and, I’m told by Austin Tassletine, the sentences handed to him will run:

“Sequentially”

And lastly:

I actually had to put a little thought into this. So, without any explanation whatsoever, here are my top 5 Arsenal haircuts:

  1. Alex Song’s bravado bleach blonde beard
  2. Gervinho’s magnificent forehead
  3. Graham Rix and the ginger afro
  4. Charlie George’s sensational cup-winning mullet
  5. Nicklas Bendtner’s ‘lord of the samurai’ top-knot

And that, folks, concludes business for today. I’ll be back tomorrow with something a great deal more sensible and a preview of our game against Everton.

Until that time, and as always: thanks for reading, you beautiful bastards

Soundtrack to this post:

Philippi and Rodrigo – ‘Karma’

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