No Coq In The Arse, The Return of Ozil, “Gobsmacked” Bramall And Sanchez Happy At Arsenal

Morning, and in the immortal words of @JokmanAFC: “Word to your respective guardians”.

Before we delve deeply into today’s bumper bucket of news, let’s address the title… Yes – I am incredibly childish. Whilst I would dare any of you to claim it’s not factual – Francis Coquelin will be out with a minor hamstring niggle for 3-4 weeks – I fully understand that it’s asinine. However, I don’t especially care. If we can’t, as Arsenal supporters across the globe, bond together through the joy of a bit of Coq, then the future does indeed appear bleak for us all.

That injury does leave us perilously short in midfield. Elneny is off with Egypt at the ACON, Santi Cazorla remains on the treatment table and Jack Wilshere on the South Coast building sandcastles and sh*t, so our only two fit central midfielders are Xhaka and A-A-RON. The thought of those two having the opportunity to form a partnership is good, as I think that duo is where the future lies. But we are short in that department, and one more injury away from having a serious problem. I would doubt this is something Arsene will look at in the transfer market. I can’t pretend to know anything, but my guess is Oxlade-Chamberlain is the back-up option to play centrally if needed.

One player who is returning to the midfield (silky, silky segue – like a badger’s pelt) is Mesut Ozil after battling bravely against the flu. I’m currently extremely dubious that he ever had any ailment or cold. Even Arsene himself admitted to not knowing where our goggly-eyed friend was for the past week. Is it coincidence he went “ill” on NYE? I’ve my suspicions, so here’s a few things I think he could have been doing…

  • Learning to tap dance in a Broadway show.
  • Eating ice cream in leggings and watching Bridget Jones’ Diary
  • Trolling 12-year-olds on Grand Theft Auto Online (I do not ever do this, it’s a vicious rumour)
  • Making motorcycle helmets out of Galaxy truffles. For cats.
  • He was so drunk on NYE he bought 7 Nerf guns and tried to recreate the police station scene from The Terminator at a North London cop-shop.

All of the above could be true. There’s no way of proving otherwise…

We’re in the January transfer window, and it would seem quite likely we’ve found ourselves a new signing. 20-year-old Cohen Bramall currently plies his trade for Hednesford of the Evo-Stik Northern Premier Division. Arsenal have been watching him closely and invited him down to the Club for a couple of  days trail. He said this of his experience.

“I drove in there and I was absolutely gobsmacked. It was like a dream, it was so weird.

I was training with the first team on the Thursday and the Friday and my eyes just lit up straight away but I had to do my job.

I trained to the best of my ability; I tried to use my speed a lot, overlapping from left-back and just wanted to get my body out there.”

On meeting Arsene after the two days:

“He came up to me after the session and it was literally a ‘hi, nice to meet you’ and he told me he liked how I play.

Just those words, you don’t get them a lot.”

Now, as I’m sure you might imagine, this potential incoming has a few people riled, mainly because he won’t cost £80m and solve all out footballing issues just my turning up every day. He’s just a kid and it appears he’s about to be given a huge chance. We should be encouraging him and wishing him all the luck in the world, not behaving like spoilt brats who didn’t get what they wanted for Christmas. I mean, for f*cks sake… Give him at least a chance if he does sign. And at this stage it’s nothing more than and ‘if’. I could tell you I have ‘sources’ but I’d be telling fibs. I know nothing at all, but I can offer my best guess; it looks pretty favourable.

Lastly it turns out Alexis is happy. He’s not dejected, moping around the countryside with a sombre look and writing poetry underneath a giant oak tree.

“ONCE upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,

Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore

That Aaron Ramsey is f*cking shit, isn’t he…”

Arsene had to address the story when asked by the media and he said pretty much the same as me; Alexis was frustrated with the result, nothing more. Of course, this agreement between the two of us obviously means I’m now a qualified football manager and shall be forwarding my CV to the relevant authorities to get some work. Maybe, if Arsene doesn’t sign a new contract, I’ll be the next Arsenal manager. What fun that would be…

I’ll leave it here, folks. I’ve work and packing to do as I’m off to Amsterdam in the wee hours of tomorrow morning for a few days break. I shall endeavour to blog as much as possible during that time, and there will be a preview of our FA Cup trip to Preston for your delight tomorrow morning. After that, I may be too f*cked on hash brownies to do anything of any note. You’ll just have to wait and see.

In the meantime, please let me know your thoughts in the comments. As always; thanks for reading, you beautiful bastards.

Leave a comment. Go on, you know you wanna...