Podolski agrees to join Arsenal and international nightmares.

Morning, and hi-de-ho, campers. Before we begin, I’d like to wish you all a happy leap year. Go out, have fun and make the most of an extra day.

So, onwards toward the unbridled delirium of today’s delicious post. Are you all sitting comfortably? Yes? Splendid, then I shall begin:

I have quite a few ‘worst’ nightmare scenarios. These range from getting stuck in a crowded elevator to waking up one morning and finding my penis has been replaced by a talking head… you know, like the bit in Total Recall with the little guy growing out of the other guy’s stomach. Makes me shudder to think about it. I hate confined spaces and I certainly don’t want my new genitals to hold the secret to an infinite supply of oxygen on Mars, nor do I wish to have to worry about Michael Ironside trying to shoot them.

But as far as football nightmares go, there’s a very specific one that plagues me. Picture the scene; it’s an utterly pointless fixture between Eng-er-land and The Netherlands, Robin van Persie collects the ball in midfield, far from the penalty area, and is cut in two by a talentless hacker in the James Milner/Joleon Lescott mould. Bang. Stretchered off, season over. All we’re left with is the obligatory tales of how those responsible ‘aren’t that type of player’ and a gaping hole in attack where the Premiership’s best player used to be. And for what? A farcical, meaningless friendly that’s a waste of everybody’s time and effort. I hate international football.

Tonight, I’ll be offering my prayers to the gods of football that Robin – as well as any Arsenal player involved in a similar match – comes throw unscathed and fighting fit. I won’t watch the England game because it will be duller than a Paris Hilton sex-tape and it sickens me to hear pundits talk of Redknapp as a saviour. His record over thirty years reads as a trail of destruction and complicity with one meagre cup to show for his efforts. Jesus, the man has the penmanship of a 5-year-old blind girl, and his dog looks after his accounts. He’s the top managerial candidate for England? Please…

With an important game this Saturday at Klanfield, the timing couldn’t really be any worse, so the smoother the evening passes, the better. Keep those body parts crossed, people.

So, you fancy some transfer news? Okay, here you go… You guys are insatiable…

According to a few reports, Lukas Podolski has agreed to move to Arsenal in the summer. With a deal between us and Koln unable to be agreed in January – we allegedly tried – the deal has been set for the re-opening of the transfer window, and presumably, before the start of Euro 2012. Here’s a few quotes I found;

Goal.com; Arsene Wenger is a long-term admirer of the German international and the Gunners reportedly had two bids for the 26-year-old rejected last summer. But with his contract set to expire in just over a year, Koln will have little choice other than to sell their prized asset should he decline a contract extension.

However, German publication Express claim that Podolski has yet to put pen to paper, but that an agreement is only a matter of time and that the Gunners are aiming to tie up the deal as quickly as possible in order to avoid competition for his signature.

Yahoo Sports: Experienced German striker Lukas Podolski is close to joining English Premier League side Arsenal from Cologne, German daily Bild claimed on its website on Tuesday.

The 26-year-old – capped 95 times and a veteran of two World Cups and Euro 2008 – has apparently already agreed personal terms with Arsenal, though, the two clubs have yet to agree a fee.

Granted, neither site is a glowing beacon of truth and reputable information, but there’s no smoke with out fire, as the saying goes. Some sites go further into the depths of hokey balderdash by ‘confirming’ the fee will be £15m + players – they fail to state whose these players may be. If it’s Squllaci and Almunia, then we should perhaps throw in a extra £5m as means of an apology.

I hope this one is a rarity; a pebble of truth playfully skimming across a sea of interminable mendacity. Stories with truth are few and far between across the interweb.

Lukas Podolski is an excellent player, a natural finisher and of vast experience. I think he’d do well in our system and style of play, and his ability to play the flanks or up top as a striker means we’d have an avenue to take some of the pressure off Robin. Assuming, that is, the German isn’t being signed as a replacement.

Interesting stuff.

That’s about all yer getting, folks. All that’s left is for me to sign off in my own tiresome fashion – thanks for reading, you beautiful bastards – and to point you in the direction of my Twitter account – @_ArmchairGooner – which is criminally bereft of followers considering the vast array of entertainment and information that’s on offer.

Okay, so the last part might not be true…

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