Santi Cazorla’s Selection Of Magnificent Biscuits.

“Get yer Hob Nobs, dunkable goodness in a pack of 3”

Morning, folks.

All through the summer I had little time to blog because of the rigmarole associated with moving house. Such things eat relentlessly away at your every waking moment and often involve dealing with stubbornly idiotic folk seemingly hell-bent on causing difficulty. I know if my friend, The Joktopus, is reading this he’ll agree, as will Daniel Cowan. Some of you most probably will also. The whole process is stressful and immeasurably infuriating from start to finish.

Now that it is all firmly behind me, I can put aside time to write this here mess of mine. The only slight problem is I’ve opted to return at a time little or nothing of any interest is happening out there in the wonderful world of Arsenal.

So where to begin? Well, those of you who pop by with regularity will know no subject is off limits here. I was considering searching the news outlets, but even with the window shut for a week, they are still churning out transfer stories. So what remains? Something customarily idiotic, that’s what.

I’m going to share with you a theory; Santi Cazorla has the perfect persona to advertise biscuits.

“James, what the f**k are you talking about?” I hear you collectively sneer. Well, folks, it is just a theory of mine, one without any particular degree of sense. The concept is simply something I can picture clearly in my head.

Santi Cazorla is loveable. Biscuits are delicious. If I saw Santi Cazorla promoting a new brand of biscuit, I’d be all the more inclined to try them out, accompanied by a good old fashioned cup of tea, of course. For those doubting any of this, I challenge any one of you to conjure the image of Santi Cazorla scampering his way through a biscuit factory, smiling incessantly and not have that thought persuade you to buy those biscuits. You just would.

In fact, I’d hazard a guess many of you are heading for the cupboard whilst reading this, such is the power of Santi Cazorla combined with the promotion of biscuits. The merest mention of his name in association with crunchy tea accompaniments has instantly doubled their allure.

It doesn’t stop there. Plenty of Arsenal players have the ability to promote products you’d not instantly associate with them. For example:

  1. Per Mertesacker – Mobility scooters.
  2. Mesut Ozil – Kittens
  3. Kieran Gibbs – Surface-to-air missiles
  4. Mathieu Flamini – Lunch boxes
  5. Jack Wilshere – Breakfast cereals
  6. Olivier Giroud – Topical creams and ointments
  7. Aaron Ramsey – Underground breakdancing battles
  8. Alexis Sanchez – Glitter and that dried pasta kids use to make pictures
  9. Calum Chambers – Battenberg
  10. Arsene Wenger – Flavoured sexy sex lubricants

The list is endless. Maybe I have a peculiar mind, but should any of the above advertise/endorse any of the products listen with them, I’d give serious consideration to going out and parting with some cash.

Kieran Gibbs recommends installing surface-to-air missiles on the roof of my home to warn off intruders? Good enough for me, here’s my debit card. Jack Wilshere has a new breakfast cereal called, ‘Smokey Pops’? They sound delicious, here’s my debit card. Arsene Wenger thinks I can spice up my carnal activities by using his personalised gooseberry lube? Why the hell not, here’s my debit card.

Never underestimate the power of a famous face, folks. On that note, it’s time for the decidedly not famous me to bid your farewell for the day. Tomorrow should bring us something Arsenal-related to discuss with England’s game against Switzerland.

The comments await your thoughts on the… errr…. news I’ve discussed. Feel free to plaster my site with hurtful remarks and question my state of well being.

As always; thanks for reading, you beautiful bastards.

11 Comments

  1. Mick

    Interesting topic. How about Steve Bould advertising babies disposable nappies.

    Reply
  2. n11gooner

    Good to have you back.. ive missed my daily chuckle reading your blog. Keep it up mate

    Reply
  3. Ray from Norfolk, Virginia

    Arteta: Lego sets.

    Reply
    1. James 'Raul' Stokes (Post author)

      @Ray: perfect match

      Reply
  4. Herdygherdy

    well I just burst into a fit of laughter with my entire office looking at me like I’m some sort of deranged gibbon. So thank you, needed that an awful lot.

    Reply
    1. James 'Raul' Stokes (Post author)

      @Herdygerdy: That’s what I was aiming for, glad to be of service 🙂

      Reply
  5. Cross AHQ

    So, uh, these Mesut Ozil branded kittens.. where would one find such things? Asking for a friend..

    Reply
    1. James 'Raul' Stokes (Post author)
  6. Admir

    Lukas Podolski – “Winterfresh Ice”. Camera focuses on his eyes.

    Abou Diaby – health insurance. Diaby looks at the camera while penning a new deal with the insurance company with only his right hand being out of bandages.

    David Ospina and Wojciech Szczesny – an advertisement for T-shirts of certain brand. It would be about two of them going out in the same T-shirts at the same place, with an obvious tension and rivalry between them including Szczesny’s laughing at Ospina’s height. At the end, both of them pick up a hot lady and a slogan would appear: “With _________ (insert brand) size doesn’t matter.”

    Yaya Sanogo – comfortable shoes. He’d need a stuntman to do the elegant walk though.

    Mathieu Debuchy – an advertisement for Gillette. In the first part of it, Debuchy cuts him with blades while unsuccessfully trying to shave his head. Arsene is shaking his head while the referee orders Debuchy to leave the pitch for intensive bleeding from his scalp. Then he uses Gillette, make a perfect shave and returns to the pitch. He comes to the locker-room with his current hair-cut but nobody is thrilled with how it looks (actually, most of them are wearing their “what the fuck”-face). Arsene finally whispers: “Well, at least it doesn’t bleed anymore.”

    Tomas Rosicky – some types of hair-shampoos. He plays a piano in front of whole stadium, some classical stuff, before he suddenly change it to heavy metal. People at the stadium are stunned, camera is closing up to Rosicky. He has a shampoo-bottle on the piano and decides to use it as a microphone. He jumps on the piano and screams: “YOU’RE NEVER TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT!” while holding the bottle like an Oscar.

    Reply
    1. James 'Raul' Stokes (Post author)

      @Admir: Nice, very comprehensive. It’s good to know I’m not the only one to have given it thought!

      Reply
  7. Debra

    Oh My Goodness, you make me laugh out loud! Love it! Were you an author in another life?

    Reply

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