All through the summer I had little time to blog because of the rigmarole associated with moving house. Such things eat relentlessly away at your every waking moment and often involve dealing with stubbornly idiotic folk seemingly hell-bent on causing difficulty. I know if my friend, The Joktopus, is reading this he’ll agree, as will Daniel Cowan. Some of you most probably will also. The whole process is stressful and immeasurably infuriating from start to finish.
Now that it is all firmly behind me, I can put aside time to write this here mess of mine. The only slight problem is I’ve opted to return at a time little or nothing of any interest is happening out there in the wonderful world of Arsenal.
So where to begin? Well, those of you who pop by with regularity will know no subject is off limits here. I was considering searching the news outlets, but even with the window shut for a week, they are still churning out transfer stories. So what remains? Something customarily idiotic, that’s what.
I’m going to share with you a theory; Santi Cazorla has the perfect persona to advertise biscuits.
“James, what the f**k are you talking about?” I hear you collectively sneer. Well, folks, it is just a theory of mine, one without any particular degree of sense. The concept is simply something I can picture clearly in my head.
Santi Cazorla is loveable. Biscuits are delicious. If I saw Santi Cazorla promoting a new brand of biscuit, I’d be all the more inclined to try them out, accompanied by a good old fashioned cup of tea, of course. For those doubting any of this, I challenge any one of you to conjure the image of Santi Cazorla scampering his way through a biscuit factory, smiling incessantly and not have that thought persuade you to buy those biscuits. You just would.
In fact, I’d hazard a guess many of you are heading for the cupboard whilst reading this, such is the power of Santi Cazorla combined with the promotion of biscuits. The merest mention of his name in association with crunchy tea accompaniments has instantly doubled their allure.
It doesn’t stop there. Plenty of Arsenal players have the ability to promote products you’d not instantly associate with them. For example:
- Per Mertesacker – Mobility scooters.
- Mesut Ozil – Kittens
- Kieran Gibbs – Surface-to-air missiles
- Mathieu Flamini – Lunch boxes
- Jack Wilshere – Breakfast cereals
- Olivier Giroud – Topical creams and ointments
- Aaron Ramsey – Underground breakdancing battles
- Alexis Sanchez – Glitter and that dried pasta kids use to make pictures
- Calum Chambers – Battenberg
- Arsene Wenger – Flavoured sexy sex lubricants
The list is endless. Maybe I have a peculiar mind, but should any of the above advertise/endorse any of the products listen with them, I’d give serious consideration to going out and parting with some cash.
Kieran Gibbs recommends installing surface-to-air missiles on the roof of my home to warn off intruders? Good enough for me, here’s my debit card. Jack Wilshere has a new breakfast cereal called, ‘Smokey Pops’? They sound delicious, here’s my debit card. Arsene Wenger thinks I can spice up my carnal activities by using his personalised gooseberry lube? Why the hell not, here’s my debit card.
Never underestimate the power of a famous face, folks. On that note, it’s time for the decidedly not famous me to bid your farewell for the day. Tomorrow should bring us something Arsenal-related to discuss with England’s game against Switzerland.
The comments await your thoughts on the… errr…. news I’ve discussed. Feel free to plaster my site with hurtful remarks and question my state of well being.
As always; thanks for reading, you beautiful bastards.