Hello again, folks.
As promised, here is the final part of Dyllan’s season preview. Enjoy it, as I’ve re-read the previous instalment and remembered he called me an “androgynous Chelsea-booted type” so now I may be forced to kill him sometime soon. Not in a particularly pleasant way. Chances are, I’ll bury him to his eyeballs in deep-fried Mars bars and observe as he is torn to pieces by rodents, the infirm and a slobbering Jokman.
Our extraordinary run of form alerts FIFA who send crack detective Sep Blatter to investigate Arsenal winning every game. However immediately after disembarking the plane Sepp provokes outrage by caressing the boobs of an airport wench. Attempting to defuse the situation Sepp informs the gathered media that sexism can be quickly resolved with a handjob and then blames the gays for his actions. To avoid further attention he flees to his underground Swiss lair where he is content wanking over the corpses of recently euthanized grannies. Our game against Southampton is cancelled as just before the match, Southampton sell the ground, corner flags and ball boys to a Kuwaiti Emir. We are awarded the 3 points and 4000 nectar points.
Next up are Stoke, who having sacked Mark Hughes and selected a new manager from a shortlist of Tony Pulis, Sauron, Robbie Savage and the Yorksire Ripper, are rooted firmly to the bottom of the table with -162 points. After a probably illegal thunderbastard from Gunnersaurus had given Arsenal the lead, Stoke equalised through one of their gin riddled, wife beating, dog raping sorry excuses for a prostitute slaughtering c*nt. The incident leads to widespread protests against the Arsenal board and players lead by the irrepressible duo that obviously represent all supporters, the skanky pirate fan and that delightful Gooner with the afro instead of a personality. The players, unaware of the chaos their shambolic defending has caused, go on to score another 7 in the remaining 80 minutes. Continue reading