The Armchair Gooner

An Arsenal blog bringing you news, opinion and humour on a daily basis. Well, I'll try at the very least…

2 Deals Announced. 2 Deals ‘Confirmed’. 2 Deals Without Base?

‘Two!”

Greetings, blog hungry masses.

Having worked what seems like an interminable amount, this bright, sunny morning in Bristol sees something of a rarity; a day off from the throes of a stifling kitchen on what is traditionally the busiest day of the year. There is a God of fortune and today he/she has decided to flash his/her beautiful smile at me.

With that, the opportunity has arisen for me to rise from a self-imposed doldrums and speak to you, the beautiful bastards of the Internet. With sincerity, I hope you’re all in fine fettle, basking in the glorious weather and generally in good health.

Platitudes aside, let’s get into some news.

It would appear that we are very close to securing a further two players in this summer’s transfer window, those players being Colombian stopper, David Ospina and Southampton’s highly rated right-back, Callum Chambers. Continue reading

Arseblog and Sparseblog.

Welcome to the Arse.

Evening, delicious lifeforms.

Seeing as James Rodriguez and I share a first name, I thought I’d give using the Colombian pronunciation a whirl. Turns out a Bristolian man referring to himself as ‘Ham-es’ comes across as a bit of a prick. Pity, becuase I quite liked the sound of it, it gave me an edge of mystery. ‘Ham-es’ ‘Raul’ Stokes is the kind of guy you can’t trust, a renegade, a nomadic, a sorcerer…. Or a bit of a prick…

I’ve not posted in a few days so I guess I should belatedly welcome Mathieu Debuchy having seen the French right-back complete his move to Arsenal. Welcome, may your days as a Gooner be rich with wondrous performances and great accomplishments.

Also, I guess I ought explain my absences. It’s difficult being the sole writer of a blog when you’ve many other things to attend to. How Andrew writes Arseblog every day without fail is beyond me. I assume he’s developed an X-Men-like mutation that enables him to suspend time and write blogs leisurely.  At present, my efforts are very much Sparseblog compared to Arseblog (I’m going to use that as the title). Continue reading

Arsene Inherits Astonishing £50m Talent From Suspicious Uncle’s Will.

A man of quiet thought.

Morning, folks.

The odd moments for me are when I have plentiful bouts of time for blogging and the egregious monster of having bugger all to say rears its ‘orrible face. That is my situation at present. Usually when this occurs I decide the best course of action is to invent a particularly silly title, rattle incessantly and allow the chips to fall where they may.

Yep, that’s what I’m going to do.

I often recall fondly the first time I caught herpes. I was a young man at the beginning of a journey, she was an experienced prostitute with a heart of gold. Our paths crossed one autumn morning in the disabled toilets of a Burger King; sparks flew, angels sang and the Earth ceased to spin on its axis for the merest of moments as if the gods themselves paused to witness our union. 10 minutes and £15 later she left in a blur of cheap perfume and ill-fitting, trampy footwear. Gone, but never forgotten. Where are you now, Shaniqua?

No. That’s a bit weird.  Continue reading

Delicious Khedira Goodness, Transfers And Grotesque Hamwiches.

The news came as a shock to even Sami…

Morning, folks.

There isn’t much in life that frightens me. Short of being cornered by a rag-tag bunch of militant clowns hell-bent on performing that annoying ‘look at my flower!’ trick, I walked this Earth free from terror. However, thanks to the bombshells dropped by a certain little Scottish urchin, I am now all too aware of the existences of Hamwiches.

For those of you blissfully unaware, the Hamwich is a stingingly hideous creation comprising of processed ham, cheese and breadcrumbs. Sculpted in the flames of Hades by The Desolate One himself, these repugnant things are readily available in your average supermarket. They disgust me to the very core of my being. The look of them alone is enough to evoke rampaging bouts of nausea, I daren’t consider the taste for fear of imploding altogether.

Look for yourself. Behold, the Hamwich! Continue reading

Alexis Sanchez Is A Gooner. Be Still My Beating Heart.

“Hey, YOU – see you next season”

Morning, folks.

What unbridled joy. As my fingers dance across the keys, beneath the desk brews a fire of passion and enthusiasm in my genital department. Not since I first saw Olga Kurylenko in ‘Hitman’ have I felt such a sensation of simultaneous lust and glee.

It can’t possibly have escaped any Arsenal fan’s attention that the deal bringing Alexis Sanchez to The Emirates from Barcelona has been confirmed by the jarringly beautiful site of the Chilean forward featured on the official website. We can wave goodbye to the speculation. We have our clarity.  Continue reading

Are We ‘Done’ Yet? New Kits! Tedious Semi-Final…

The start of a beautiful relationship.

Greetings, darlings.

Unlike yesterday, when there was the opportunity to discuss one of the most spectacular football matches in recent memory, today I’m left with the concept of picking apart last night’s semi-final between Argentina and Holland. I shan’t bother. Argentina won on penalties, the 120 minutes that lead up to that point were,to out it kindly, forgettable. The game was like try to assemble a large wardrobe from IKEA, only twice as irritating and 10 times as dull.

So what’s happening? Continue reading

Sanchez and Debuchy Done? Not Until The Plump Female Harmonises…

Beautiful Brazil before the explosions…

Morning, folks.

It’s certainly been an eventful few hours…

Starting from an Arsenal perspective, we’ve had some exceedingly good news in the form of reports suggesting we’ve got our men; Mathieu Debuchy and Alexis Sanchez are imminent arrivals, Brilliant news. Awesome news. Fabulous news. But not quite yet fully confirmed news. Most of the stories use the phrase “very hopeful” and “supremely confident”…

We’ve seen deals like this implode at the last seconds – look at Willian to Spurs, for example – and I’m always wary of anything that doesn’t come with a picture of Arsene Wenger and the player holding a shirt together on the Club’s official site.  All signs certainly point to a high possibility, but anything that isn’t 100% could still blow up in our face.  I shan’t be joyously frolicking through any meadows just yet.  Continue reading