The Armchair Gooner

An Arsenal blog bringing you news, opinion and humour on a daily basis. Well, I'll try at the very least…

Szczesny, Ospina Or A New Keeper And No-Go Theo Walcott.

OSSSSSSPIIIINNNNAAA good keeper so far.

Morning, folks.

I’ve the briefest of periods before I’m due to make the arduous trek toward my gainful employment, so my fingers will type with the kind of ferocity you’d associate with an Apache gunship dispatching a rebel machine gun nest – think those Warner Bros cartoons of yesteryear in which the central character had to do something with haste.

Actually, I might take my time with the writing part and instead opt to drive at breakneck speeds down the M5 with a squad of angry police in chase. You’ll see me on the morning news as the story develops and the news outlets start to send helicopters and cameras after me.

Imagine the Sky News headlines…

MAN LATE FOR WORK BECAUSE OF WRITING BLOG NOW IN HIGH-SPEED PURSUIT WITH POLICE. MR STOKES IS SAID TO BE UNSTABLE AND A TEDDY BEAR APPEARS TO BE DOING THE DRIVING.

Alternatively to all the above, I could get straight to my point. All the fluffy nonsense, as much fun as it is, serves only to lengthen the time I’m sat at the keyboard.

Remember that bit in Monty Python’s The Holy Grail where they all shout “GET ON WITH IT!”?

Moving on…

One of the debates I’ve missed contributing to since putting blogging on hold is that of our goalkeeping position. Since Szczesny blundered and smoked his way into the doghouse against Southampton, David Ospina has taken over the No1 role and thus far looked very assured there.  Continue reading

Another Awful Arsenal Performance… UNLEASH THE SPACE CATS.

“Steve, give me the Uzi”

Morning, folks.

Hmmmmmm.

Just when I was certain a corner had been turned, we pull a startling handbrake turn and steer the good ship Arsenal back toward Sh*t Street. For 45 first half minutes I didn’t see an appalling performance that left me dumbstruck. No, I saw something I’ve seen far, far too often.

Meh….

I’ve no idea where to go with this entry. Obviously I’m considerably disheartened and upset to lose, and to lose at a place a feculent as the Britannia Stadium, but I’m also extremely tired of how familiar it’s all become.  When Arsenal lose, our fanbase turns nasty. And I mean NASTY. You need but glimpse across social media to see irrational folk firing obscenities, threats and peculiar exclamations simply becuase others might have the audacity to disagree. Even after the game it was rumoured that there was brawling between our own supporters – presumably those of the polar opposite persuasion.

I attended the United game with Daniel Cowan and we saw some of the vitriol ourselves – one man in particular was preening around outside the ground bellowing “Wenger out!” in the hope someone would pipe up to argue with him. Continue reading

5 LEGITIMATE Reasons For Arsenal Fans To Be Cheerful – Reasons So LEGITIMATE, I’ve Put The Word ‘LEGITIMATE’ In Capitals.

High 5…

Morning, you beautiful bastards.

The inspiration for this post comes from an entirely extraneous place. Before sitting down to type, I was watching The Book Of Eli with Denzel Washington – that’s ambiguous… I obviously mean that Denzel Washington was in the film, not that he popped over for the evening and we sat awkwardly through one of his films.

I’m now pondering exactly how I’d react if Denzel – we’re on first name terms in my head – arrived unannounced at my home and suggested a movie night. What kind of snacks would he like? Is he talkative? What potential is there for him going all ‘Training Day’ on me should I not prove an adequate host?

It’s simply not an occurrence I’m prepared for.

Anyway…

The Book Of Eli reminded me of Twitter at present. Around each and every dark corner of a dystopian world lurks nefarious characters seemingly hell-bent on causing untold misery. There is an element of social media that seems to revel in moments of trouble and strife. Continue reading

Serge Aurier In? James Milner In? Arsene’s Contract and £100m To Spend.

Cheerio?

Morning, folks.

Do you still have FA Cup fever? Are you currently enjoying the warm, fuzzy feeling that only a delicious triumph can provide? I am. I’m also hit with the realisation that the season is over, and it’s flown past, hasn’t it? Seems like time truly does fly when you’re having fun (for the most part).

With that, you know full well what looms on the horizon waiting to takeover everything; transfer talk. Yes, folks – brace yourselves, the maelstrom of ballyhoo, misinformation, speculation and wondrous cackling is almost upon us. Well… You could argue it’s already here. Continue reading

Glorious, Superb, Fantastic, Unbridled Ecstasy, We’ll Just Forget The First 10 Minutes….

2014 Winners.

Afternoon, folks.

In my 35 years of residency on planet Earth, I’ve never suffered with migraines.          Like the rest of you, most probably, I assumed they we’re just a really bad headache. The past week, mainly due to a combination of heat, stress and fatigue, I’ve begun having them. They are not like a really bad headache, nope; they’re far, far worse.

I watched the game in a bustling Bristol centre yesterday in sweltering heat with a very large turn out of Gooners and regretfully had to cut the celebrations short due to my pounding cranium. However, the pain it caused me to be in such a vociferous and jocund environment was worth it in each and every way conceivable.

Apart from the opening 10 minutes of the game.

Up until Santi Cazorla thundered in that fabulous free-kick on 17 minutes, I don’t think I’ve ever felt the hope and enthusiasm drain out of me faster. Genuinely, I was stood jaw agape wondering if what was occurring in front of me was actually happening or just a work of the evils that occupy my mind. Continue reading

An Arsenal XI Brought To You By Twitter… “Don’t ‘@’ Me….”

Evening, folks.

I’ve been a busy bumblebee today preparing silliness and such for the latest episode of the Goonersphere Podcast. Having completed those and recorded the show, it’s a pleasure to bring you episode 22. Joining myself and Daniel Cowan this week we have these loveable scamps:

Craig Hayward (@craighaywarddj)
and
Paul (@invinciblog).

Up for discussion is our recent poor results, positives and what Arsenal would look like if Twitter was in charge. Plus usual features “Listeners Questions”, “Goonersphere Shoutout” and “Goonersphere Prick of the Week”.

This podcast is explicit in nature and is probably not suitable for children, unless you are a really bad parent or a really cool one depending how you look at it.

Enjoy!

You can subscribe to the podcast on iTunes here or you can subscribe directly to the feed to avoid delays from iTunes. To download this podcast – click here for 70.2MB MP3.

You can listen in a new window here, on 3G/4G here or without leaving this page by using the player above.

If you prefer video you can watch this episode on YouTube here or you can subscribe to our YouTube Channel here.

Our sketches are available on our SoundCloud channel (leave us a comment) as well as via the SoundCloud app for iPhone and Android.

You can also find us on the Stitcher Radio app for iOS and Android.

Today; thanks for listening, you beautiful bastards.

What If Arsene Was To Quit In The Summer?

“Shut up, Ashton, you enormous tool”

Afternoon, lovelies.

Apologies straight away as this post will lack what is my customary format. At present I’m scandalously ignoring tasks at work I ought not be to bring you today’s entry from my iPhone – a pursuit which is an abominable pain in my arse, I might add.

Thinking. That’s what I’ve been doing a great deal of since Saturday’s hapless capitulation and resulting farrago of rage and bitterness. Making sense of the whole epic mess isn’t especially easy. In fact, it’s impossible. I challenge anyone to process the events and come up with a list of rational explanations for what our eyes witnessed. I sure as hell can’t.

The interesting thing for me, at least, is the quickness in which opinion of Arsene Wenger can change, almost instantaneously in some cases. With news circulating about him intending to step down in the summer, it would appear those with hatred towards the man will get what they want. If you believe such things, that is. Continue reading