The Armchair Gooner

An Arsenal blog bringing you news, opinion and humour on a daily basis. Well, I'll try at the very least…

United Depay The Price And Summer Exits At Arsenal.

Cheerio in the summer?

Morning, folks.

My bowels are remarkably consistent. 30 minutes upon waking up is the time I head to the lavatory for my morning ablutions and it’s often an enjoyable, detoxing experience. This particular morning has been harrowing. Whether the core reason lies with something I ate last night is debatable – I have a cast iron stomach.

Whatever the reason, I sit down to write to you feeling slightly distressed and ill at ease. There’s something to be said for the calming influence of a textbook poo; it sets you up to face the trials and tribulations the day has to offer with a confidence in your step. What happened today was not that. It was unsettling. Without going into abhorrent detail, the best way I can muster to describe the incident is to recall any submarine film you’ve seen in which there is a sequence of a bay door opening under water and a torpedo being fired aggressively at an enemy vessel.

Now that little slice of irrelevance is out of the way, it’s time to head into the wonderful world of news and other stuff. Yesterday wasn’t much of a news day. Having spent the vast majority of the morning plotting the 50th episode of the Goonersphere Podcast with Daniel Cowan, I got around to looking over the goings on just about the time Memphis Depay announced he’d signed for Manchester United. Continue reading

Arteta’s New Contract, Gabriel Finally Signs And CAPITALS Point The Way.

New signing, bloody awful haircut.

Morning, folks.

During what was a lengthy shift at his workplace yesterday, James grew increasingly weary and begun allowing his mind to wander. Because of this, James took to asking peculiar questions on Twitter to alleviate some of the boredom gainful employment invariably produces and, hopefully, initiate some belly chuckles. It proved succesful. James has a weird sense of humour.

The reason James is referring to himself in the third person is simple; James does it in honour of our newly confirmed signing, Gabriel – James also discovered yesterday that it’s incorrect to use the suffix ‘Paulista’ as that directly refers to his upbringing/team. Thank you to Martijn Stolze for pointing this out to James.

James is going to stop all this foolishness now.

During his first interview on the official Arsenal site, Gabriel himself used the dreaded third person, and in a truly hilarious moment, I’m sure we’ll all agree, I decided to do so myself. Yes – I know it is a work of unadulterated satirical genius… Continue reading

Flamini, Arteta, Ramsey, Spurs and Reasons To be Cheerful.

Mesut was left awe-struck by Welbeck’s fabulous dummy.

Morning, folks.

The weekend proved something of a hectic event for me. Not hectic in the sense that enjoyable, hedonistic pursuits were enjoyed. Alas, no. It was a filled to the brim with work and other irksome undertakings that impinged upon my ability to write for you.

Whilst many of you will have attended the game or watched in the comfort of your homes, my observations came courtesy of the Sky App on my friend’s phone, an unpredictable internet connection at work and no small measure of disregard for my duties. Once the derby was underway, my productivity dropped to such an extent I might as well not have been at work at all – some might argue there isn’t much difference from normality there….

Two days on, my feelings still remain a mixed bag. Here’s a few examples of the good points and the bad as I saw them. Continue reading

Arteta, The Ox and Arsene, Post-Liverpool Fury and Two Refuse Deals.

The players now feared half-time…

Morning, folks.

As you all probably know, much of the furious anger at Saturday’s defeat is yet to subside. It’s a minefield out there, folks. You need only once inadvertently say the wrong thing – usually positive – to have the combined wrath of Twitter fall upon you.

I wouldn’t really want to dispute with anyone about their right to be angry. God knows, I’m angry. We lost in the most pathetic way imaginable in a game that was of huge significance. Had we taken a moment to envisage the worst case scenario before kick-off, the thoughts and views conjured would probably bare striking resemblance to that which occurred.  It was an altogether sh*tty day – compounded for me by a startling shaving error that resulted in the need to remove the vast majority of my beard. Continue reading

Monreal, Ozil, The Flame and Arteta; Bitterness in the Face of a Crippling… Errr…. Draw.

Giroud celebrates with Cazorla. I have no idea what he’s trying to do…

Morning folks.

Before I get into my review of the game, I feel it’s best to start by complimenting our opponents. Arsenal were undeniably poor last night, but that shouldn’t be used as a way of describing the result when Southampton acquitted themselves admirably. From the kick-off, they hassled and pressured and imposed their own passing game on us once they gained possession.

In Adam Lallana and Luke Shaw they have 2 of the best prospects in the Premiership and they’ll do well to hold on to either. When the big boys come waving their cheque books, it’ll be a great shame to see such a good side dismantled, but such is the modern game. I genuinely believe Southampton could push for one or two honours if they can keep the nucleus of their squad intact.

In the first half, Arsenal were woefully abject. We’ve hardly fired on all cylinders at times this season, but have always shown enough in the important moments to rightfully get results. Yesterday evening we floundered and could quite easily have found ourselves trailing by a greater margin at the break were it not for fortune and some excellent defending from Koscielny. Continue reading

Giroud hatred, Striker in January, Vermealen, Ozil and a snore of a no-score draw.

“BLOODY HELL!! LOOK! THEY’RE ALL STILL SAT ON THE BENCH!”

Morning, delicious creatures.

Yesterday was a frustrating day. I don’t know what the weather severity was like in your corner of the globe (that doesn’t make sense) , but here in glorious Bristol it was awful. Most of my day was taken up with Christmas shopping in a perpetually sodden state and sitting at home in the warm certain the noise outside my house was a f**king 747 flying 20 feet above the roof.

I had hoped for The Arsenal to provide some salvation and boost my spirits heading into the period of forced festivity and faux jocundity. Alas, they did not. Much like the rest of the day, it was frustrating. Having spent a few hours or so having a think about the game, I’m still left with an overwhelming sense of disappointment. Continue reading

Arteta appeals, bigger tests to come and areas of mild concern.

“Out of order? This whole FA appeal hearing is out of order!”

Morning, delicious readers.

It’s a lovely Monday. Here is Bristol we’ve had storms and other such crazy weather conditions. As I type, it sounds as if two teenage tornados are having sex on my roof, and both are particularly enthusiastic participants. At any moment, I fully expect either a whole tree or the house across the street to come crashing through my window.

Yet, with all the madness outside, locked away in the cosy confines of home I still feel compelled to take these moments to peruse the various sources at my disposal. Perhaps I should be erecting some form of impenetrable fortress around my bed out of cereal boxes and cheese, but I’ve neither the time or the inclination. I shall have to hope Mother Nature and I are on good terms. Continue reading