The Armchair Gooner

An Arsenal blog bringing you news, opinion and humour on a daily basis. Well, I'll try at the very least…

Crystal Palace, Premiership (h): Team News, Thoughts And Predicted Starting XI

Mikel points the way.

Afternoon, folks.

Having offered you two whole posts of Dyllan Munro’s inimitable madness today, I feel compelled to at least try to put something of my own into the swirling mess of cyberspace. Buoyed by the return of Premiership football, I’ve dispensed my floundering and felt scintillating enthusiasm wash over me. The past few months have been a farrago of irksome tasks and bureaucracy, coupled with no small measure of indolence on my part. Although moving to a new home – I move this Monday – will leave me bereft on an Internet connection for the first week, I shall endeavour to post when I can.

So, onto the football.

We go into the coming season with high hopes. Justifiably so. It seems almost an eternity since good will and excitement was as prevalent amongst the supporters of Arsenal. Alexis Sanchez is a genuinely fantastic signing, Chambers, Ospina and Debuchy look solid, professional additions to the defence and there’s still plenty of time for one or two more additions. The squad looks very healthy indeed. Continue reading

The Alternative Arsenal 2014/2015 Season Preview Part 2.

Hello again, folks. 

As promised, here is the final part of Dyllan’s season preview. Enjoy it, as I’ve re-read the previous instalment and remembered he called me an “androgynous Chelsea-booted type” so now I may be forced to kill him sometime soon. Not in a particularly pleasant way. Chances are, I’ll bury him to his eyeballs in deep-fried Mars bars and observe as he is torn to pieces by rodents, the infirm and a slobbering Jokman

- James.

January

Our extraordinary run of form alerts FIFA who send crack detective Sep Blatter to investigate Arsenal winning every game. However immediately after disembarking the plane Sepp provokes outrage by caressing the boobs of an airport wench. Attempting to defuse the situation Sepp informs the gathered media that sexism can be quickly resolved with a handjob and then blames the gays for his actions. To avoid further attention he flees to his underground Swiss lair where he is content wanking over the corpses of recently euthanized grannies. Our game against Southampton is cancelled as just before the match, Southampton sell the ground, corner flags and ball boys to a Kuwaiti Emir. We are awarded the 3 points and 4000 nectar points.

Next up are Stoke, who having sacked Mark Hughes and selected a new manager from a shortlist of Tony Pulis, Sauron, Robbie Savage and the Yorksire Ripper, are rooted firmly to the bottom of the table with -162 points. After a probably illegal thunderbastard from Gunnersaurus had given Arsenal the lead, Stoke equalised through one of their gin riddled, wife beating, dog raping sorry excuses for a prostitute slaughtering c*nt. The incident leads to widespread protests against the Arsenal board and players lead by the irrepressible duo that obviously represent all supporters, the skanky pirate fan and that delightful Gooner with the afro instead of a personality. The players, unaware of the chaos their shambolic defending has caused, go on to score another 7 in the remaining 80 minutes. Continue reading

The Alternative Arsenal Season Preview 2014/2015 Part 1.

Morning, folks.

I did say I’d return to regular blogging, didn’t I…

Sometimes, things just don’t work out the way you’d want them to. With moving house making me irascible and my spare time at a premium because of this, those grand plans I had initially have faltered and failed to come to fruition. 

However, I do have my friend Dyllan Munro, and he likes to write article in his inimitable style. So, safe from all the usual talk of transfer rumours and regurgitated statistics, here’s his take on what we can expect in the 2014/2015 season. Part 2 follows very soon. 

- James. 

Bonjour fannybandits.

Having established myself as a sophisticated muthafu*ka in my greeting, you can rest assured that my word and opinions can not only be trusted but have been meticulously researched and as such should here forth be acknowledged as irrefutable facts and not the ramblings of a delusional student with an alcohol dependency. Continue reading

Cheerio, Vermaelen, Welcome Decent Replacement (Hopefully).

Damn those chiseled features…

Morning, all.

I’ve just completed a 16 hour shift at work. As my fingers dance across the keyboard and I gaze into the screen, delirium overwhelms me. I’m tired, boys ‘n’ girls, and when in such a state I tend to waffle, writing any old spew without thought or care for consequence.

Given those facts have been offered, I might humbly request your forgive what follows, it’s meandering nature and probable lack of anything cogent. As a matter of fact, perhaps you ought rejoice in my heroism, for I am putting mind and body on the line to produce this post for you.

*cue rapturous fanfare and ticker-tape”

Fu*k off, James…

News, now that’s something I’m sure you do want. Most of that, as far as my weak attempt at a search has produced, centres around the impending departure of Thomas Vermaelen… Continue reading

2 Deals Announced. 2 Deals ‘Confirmed’. 2 Deals Without Base?

‘Two!”

Greetings, blog hungry masses.

Having worked what seems like an interminable amount, this bright, sunny morning in Bristol sees something of a rarity; a day off from the throes of a stifling kitchen on what is traditionally the busiest day of the year. There is a God of fortune and today he/she has decided to flash his/her beautiful smile at me.

With that, the opportunity has arisen for me to rise from a self-imposed doldrums and speak to you, the beautiful bastards of the Internet. With sincerity, I hope you’re all in fine fettle, basking in the glorious weather and generally in good health.

Platitudes aside, let’s get into some news.

It would appear that we are very close to securing a further two players in this summer’s transfer window, those players being Colombian stopper, David Ospina and Southampton’s highly rated right-back, Callum Chambers. Continue reading

Arseblog and Sparseblog.

Welcome to the Arse.

Evening, delicious lifeforms.

Seeing as James Rodriguez and I share a first name, I thought I’d give using the Colombian pronunciation a whirl. Turns out a Bristolian man referring to himself as ‘Ham-es’ comes across as a bit of a prick. Pity, becuase I quite liked the sound of it, it gave me an edge of mystery. ‘Ham-es’ ‘Raul’ Stokes is the kind of guy you can’t trust, a renegade, a nomadic, a sorcerer…. Or a bit of a prick…

I’ve not posted in a few days so I guess I should belatedly welcome Mathieu Debuchy having seen the French right-back complete his move to Arsenal. Welcome, may your days as a Gooner be rich with wondrous performances and great accomplishments.

Also, I guess I ought explain my absences. It’s difficult being the sole writer of a blog when you’ve many other things to attend to. How Andrew writes Arseblog every day without fail is beyond me. I assume he’s developed an X-Men-like mutation that enables him to suspend time and write blogs leisurely.  At present, my efforts are very much Sparseblog compared to Arseblog (I’m going to use that as the title). Continue reading

Delicious Khedira Goodness, Transfers And Grotesque Hamwiches.

The news came as a shock to even Sami…

Morning, folks.

There isn’t much in life that frightens me. Short of being cornered by a rag-tag bunch of militant clowns hell-bent on performing that annoying ‘look at my flower!’ trick, I walked this Earth free from terror. However, thanks to the bombshells dropped by a certain little Scottish urchin, I am now all too aware of the existences of Hamwiches.

For those of you blissfully unaware, the Hamwich is a stingingly hideous creation comprising of processed ham, cheese and breadcrumbs. Sculpted in the flames of Hades by The Desolate One himself, these repugnant things are readily available in your average supermarket. They disgust me to the very core of my being. The look of them alone is enough to evoke rampaging bouts of nausea, I daren’t consider the taste for fear of imploding altogether.

Look for yourself. Behold, the Hamwich! Continue reading