The Armchair Gooner

An Arsenal blog bringing you news, opinion and humour on a daily basis. Well, I'll try at the very least…

2 Deals Announced. 2 Deals ‘Confirmed’. 2 Deals Without Base?

‘Two!”

Greetings, blog hungry masses.

Having worked what seems like an interminable amount, this bright, sunny morning in Bristol sees something of a rarity; a day off from the throes of a stifling kitchen on what is traditionally the busiest day of the year. There is a God of fortune and today he/she has decided to flash his/her beautiful smile at me.

With that, the opportunity has arisen for me to rise from a self-imposed doldrums and speak to you, the beautiful bastards of the Internet. With sincerity, I hope you’re all in fine fettle, basking in the glorious weather and generally in good health.

Platitudes aside, let’s get into some news.

It would appear that we are very close to securing a further two players in this summer’s transfer window, those players being Colombian stopper, David Ospina and Southampton’s highly rated right-back, Callum Chambers. Continue reading

Arseblog and Sparseblog.

Welcome to the Arse.

Evening, delicious lifeforms.

Seeing as James Rodriguez and I share a first name, I thought I’d give using the Colombian pronunciation a whirl. Turns out a Bristolian man referring to himself as ‘Ham-es’ comes across as a bit of a prick. Pity, becuase I quite liked the sound of it, it gave me an edge of mystery. ‘Ham-es’ ‘Raul’ Stokes is the kind of guy you can’t trust, a renegade, a nomadic, a sorcerer…. Or a bit of a prick…

I’ve not posted in a few days so I guess I should belatedly welcome Mathieu Debuchy having seen the French right-back complete his move to Arsenal. Welcome, may your days as a Gooner be rich with wondrous performances and great accomplishments.

Also, I guess I ought explain my absences. It’s difficult being the sole writer of a blog when you’ve many other things to attend to. How Andrew writes Arseblog every day without fail is beyond me. I assume he’s developed an X-Men-like mutation that enables him to suspend time and write blogs leisurely.  At present, my efforts are very much Sparseblog compared to Arseblog (I’m going to use that as the title). Continue reading

Delicious Khedira Goodness, Transfers And Grotesque Hamwiches.

The news came as a shock to even Sami…

Morning, folks.

There isn’t much in life that frightens me. Short of being cornered by a rag-tag bunch of militant clowns hell-bent on performing that annoying ‘look at my flower!’ trick, I walked this Earth free from terror. However, thanks to the bombshells dropped by a certain little Scottish urchin, I am now all too aware of the existences of Hamwiches.

For those of you blissfully unaware, the Hamwich is a stingingly hideous creation comprising of processed ham, cheese and breadcrumbs. Sculpted in the flames of Hades by The Desolate One himself, these repugnant things are readily available in your average supermarket. They disgust me to the very core of my being. The look of them alone is enough to evoke rampaging bouts of nausea, I daren’t consider the taste for fear of imploding altogether.

Look for yourself. Behold, the Hamwich! Continue reading

Are We ‘Done’ Yet? New Kits! Tedious Semi-Final…

The start of a beautiful relationship.

Greetings, darlings.

Unlike yesterday, when there was the opportunity to discuss one of the most spectacular football matches in recent memory, today I’m left with the concept of picking apart last night’s semi-final between Argentina and Holland. I shan’t bother. Argentina won on penalties, the 120 minutes that lead up to that point were,to out it kindly, forgettable. The game was like try to assemble a large wardrobe from IKEA, only twice as irritating and 10 times as dull.

So what’s happening? Continue reading

I’m Not Going To Talk About Bloody Cesc Fabregas.

*sighs*

Evening, all.

At this time of year, I struggle. Not only do I work in a heaving kitchen in sweltering temperatures, but I also have to navigate the interminable dross plastered across cyberspace. Well… I say “have to” … I don’t have to do it at all. Should the feelings of irritation overwhelm me, I could go to a monastery and spend my days chanting into a wall to find inner peace.

I could…

However, I like blogging. It’s fun to me and the freedom to express whatever the hell I please without fear of censorship is glorious. When discussing Arsenal with you it’s pertinent to make mention of the latest news. Cesc Fabregas, seemingly unstoppably so, is the news at the moment. All the bloody news.  Continue reading

How To Treat A Modern Footballer.

Whatever you do, don’t forget!

Morning, folks.

By now you’ll have all seen or heard the stories about Yaya Toure and the birthday cake that never was. Evil Manchester City, in a truly despicable act, just decided that they wouldn’t get a birthday cake for poor, down-trodden, £200k-per-week, Yaya Toure.

I know what you’re thinking; how can the owners of a multi-million pound sports franchise allow themselves to mistreat a player in such a way? Well, I’m lost for both words and an explanation, but my thoughts at this time go to Yaya Toure. I can only imagine the desolation and misery he must be feeling right now. If I was earning close to £1m-per-month and I didn’t receive a birthday cake… Well, the thought is too harrowing for me to even consider.

With that in mind, I devised the list below of a few things it’s essential to give to our modern footballers – a list that, hopefully, will ensure that no more breaches of a person’s basic human rights. I’ve called it “How To Treat A Modern Footballer” and here it is:  Continue reading

Diaby’s Reception, Ramsey’s Rocket and Jenkinson’s Magnificent Celebration

Carl was as surprised as anyone.

Morning, folks.

Well, that’s it then; another Premiership season all over. Seems to have flown by, doesn’t it? What occurred might not have been to our wishes as Arsenal fans, but few could dispute it’s been a season without talking points and the occasional flash of brilliance.

As expected, for the majority of yesterday’s game the events unfolded in a slightly dreary and resigned manner – the kind of casual pace you rarely see in the Premiership unless it’s a last-day fixture with nothing riding on it. Arsenal comfortably controlled the game against a beleaguered Norwich side who rarely threatened at all. Continue reading