The Armchair Gooner

An Arsenal blog bringing you news, opinion and humour on a daily basis. Well, I'll try at the very least…

Who Is Gabriel Paulista? YouTube Is Silly And The Goonersphere Podcast.

Gabriel Paulista, here looking alarmingly like Robin van Persie’s caveman brother…

Morning, folks.

With the signing of Gabriel Paulista all but secured for an undisclosed fee (Why do Clubs often refuse to disclose fees? Is it to repell startled inhalations at such a hefty price tag? To stifle the sellers’ fans from kicking up a fuss at a player being sold under market value? Perhaps it’s to be surreptitious for no good reason. Never mind…) from La Liga outfit Villareal, I thought I’d take a moment to delve into who he actually is.

That means scouring compilation/welcome videos that have emerged all over YouTube and checking vital statistics via his Wikipedia page. With Arsenal being one of the best represented teams in terms of an online community, it came as no surprise that there are many of these. In fact, I’d go as far as saying they’re pretty much useless.

Anyone can chop together a reel of their finest footballing moments, plaster it across cyberspace and come across as half decent. I’m fairly sure I could do it. It’s simple; edit together a few choice moments, play some pulsating German techno in the background, add a few bombastic graphics and all of a sudden the internet is clamouring for me to be signed for Arsenal. Of course, they’ll be blissfully unaware of just how jarringly sh*t I actually am until they’re petitioning for me to be shot after having failed to mark Peter Crouch at a corner. Bloody zonal marking… Continue reading

The One Defensive Midfield Entity Arsenal MUST Secure to Right All Wrongs.

Yes, he can truly eradicate all known errors….


I’m sure you’ve missed me. Perhaps some more than others. Perhaps others more than some. Perhaps no one at all. Perhaps I find myself now having completely sunk into a self-induced oblivion. Perhaps…

Regardless of that, with a bright new season approaching, I have decided now’s the time to get back into blogging. I’m a rejuvenated man, an arbiter elegantiarum (of sorts… Okay… not at all, but it sounds fancy and I like it) and here to do my absolute best to inform, entertain and bamboozle.

*cue rapturous fanfare and ticker-tape*

So let’s get down to business….

Having not been to my beloved Emirates for a criminally long time, I was able to head down over the past weekend and catch The Emirates Cup. Continue reading

Arsene Inherits Astonishing £50m Talent From Suspicious Uncle’s Will.

A man of quiet thought.

Morning, folks.

The odd moments for me are when I have plentiful bouts of time for blogging and the egregious monster of having bugger all to say rears its ‘orrible face. That is my situation at present. Usually when this occurs I decide the best course of action is to invent a particularly silly title, rattle incessantly and allow the chips to fall where they may.

Yep, that’s what I’m going to do.

I often recall fondly the first time I caught herpes. I was a young man at the beginning of a journey, she was an experienced prostitute with a heart of gold. Our paths crossed one autumn morning in the disabled toilets of a Burger King; sparks flew, angels sang and the Earth ceased to spin on its axis for the merest of moments as if the gods themselves paused to witness our union. 10 minutes and £15 later she left in a blur of cheap perfume and ill-fitting, trampy footwear. Gone, but never forgotten. Where are you now, Shaniqua?

No. That’s a bit weird.  Continue reading

Delicious Khedira Goodness, Transfers And Grotesque Hamwiches.

The news came as a shock to even Sami…

Morning, folks.

There isn’t much in life that frightens me. Short of being cornered by a rag-tag bunch of militant clowns hell-bent on performing that annoying ‘look at my flower!’ trick, I walked this Earth free from terror. However, thanks to the bombshells dropped by a certain little Scottish urchin, I am now all too aware of the existences of Hamwiches.

For those of you blissfully unaware, the Hamwich is a stingingly hideous creation comprising of processed ham, cheese and breadcrumbs. Sculpted in the flames of Hades by The Desolate One himself, these repugnant things are readily available in your average supermarket. They disgust me to the very core of my being. The look of them alone is enough to evoke rampaging bouts of nausea, I daren’t consider the taste for fear of imploding altogether.

Look for yourself. Behold, the Hamwich! Continue reading

Poor Old Yaya Sanogo. Vela A No-No.

Wake me up, Yaya Sanogo.

Evening, folks.

Surprisingly, I’ve found myself a little bit of free time. So, I thought to myself, “why not pen/type something extra for all those wonderful human beings that pop by to read this site?”.

If you cast your peepers over the Interwebs, you’ll find that there’s quite the conflicting opinion surrounding Yaya Sanogo. Some feel he’s “raw” with lots of potential, others feel he is another example of Arsene’s famed stingy nature and a player that shouldn’t be anywhere near the Arsenal first team. A minority become so furious at the mere mention of his name that you picture them red-faced and about to explode into a gooey mess. Such is the nature of folk.

I’m a fan. I like him a lot. I wouldn’t deny for a moment that he is quite some distance from the finished article, but what he lacks in experience and technique he makes up for with good old fashioned heart. Granted, there are moments where he appears to possess the poise and grace of an inebriated deer trying to negotiate a newly-polished hardwood floor in sports socks, but the aforementioned heart enables me to overlook a multitude of sins.  Continue reading

Javi Martinez To Arsenal And A Paucity Of News.

Shock! Horror!

Morning, folks.

You know those classic moments in Western movies where there’s deafening silence before two gunslingers fight it out? That’s today – minus the gunfire and inevitable death, that is. Things have taken a turn for the quiet and news regarding our beloved Arsenal is very much at a premium.

Such things make writing a daily post immeasurably tricky. Where do you begin? Do I ramble on about nothing in particular as much as I possibly can purely to add a few extra words to the post? Well.. If you’re a regular here you’ll know it’s certainly not beneath me to do so. However, I can imagine that gets pretty tiresome to those of you that actually read this stuff (That’s a silly thing to say given the fact I’ve already started to rattle aimlessly whilst making the point that it is possibly annoying as p*ss when I do so. Perhaps I should stop. Seriously, James… Give it a fu*king rest)

Instead, I’ll keep things brief and delve head first into a little bit of transfer rumour. Spain and Bayern’s Javi Martinez is exactly the type of player we need to strengthen the defensive side of our midfield. Continue reading

Arsenal Unleash Transfer Kraken Into Starlet’s Magnificent Aura.

“Great title today, James”

Morning, folks.

Sorry I’ve not been with you for a couple of days. The weekend was manic and I’m currently selling/moving house. All things that could have possibly conspired together to obliterate my free time have done so. The figure that sits behind his keyboard typing away is not bright-eyed and and bushy-tailed, but a shambling wretch of a man desperately in need of sleep.

Nevertheless, because I love you all so much I shall proceed.

Since I spoke to you last we’ve had the warming glow about our persons only a decent Arsenal performance can bring. Continue reading