The Armchair Gooner

An Arsenal blog bringing you news, opinion and humour on a daily basis. Well, I'll try at the very least…

Arsene Inherits Astonishing £50m Talent From Suspicious Uncle’s Will.

A man of quiet thought.

Morning, folks.

The odd moments for me are when I have plentiful bouts of time for blogging and the egregious monster of having bugger all to say rears its ‘orrible face. That is my situation at present. Usually when this occurs I decide the best course of action is to invent a particularly silly title, rattle incessantly and allow the chips to fall where they may.

Yep, that’s what I’m going to do.

I often recall fondly the first time I caught herpes. I was a young man at the beginning of a journey, she was an experienced prostitute with a heart of gold. Our paths crossed one autumn morning in the disabled toilets of a Burger King; sparks flew, angels sang and the Earth ceased to spin on its axis for the merest of moments as if the gods themselves paused to witness our union. 10 minutes and £15 later she left in a blur of cheap perfume and ill-fitting, trampy footwear. Gone, but never forgotten. Where are you now, Shaniqua?

No. That’s a bit weird.  Continue reading

Delicious Khedira Goodness, Transfers And Grotesque Hamwiches.

The news came as a shock to even Sami…

Morning, folks.

There isn’t much in life that frightens me. Short of being cornered by a rag-tag bunch of militant clowns hell-bent on performing that annoying ‘look at my flower!’ trick, I walked this Earth free from terror. However, thanks to the bombshells dropped by a certain little Scottish urchin, I am now all too aware of the existences of Hamwiches.

For those of you blissfully unaware, the Hamwich is a stingingly hideous creation comprising of processed ham, cheese and breadcrumbs. Sculpted in the flames of Hades by The Desolate One himself, these repugnant things are readily available in your average supermarket. They disgust me to the very core of my being. The look of them alone is enough to evoke rampaging bouts of nausea, I daren’t consider the taste for fear of imploding altogether.

Look for yourself. Behold, the Hamwich! Continue reading

Poor Old Yaya Sanogo. Vela A No-No.

Wake me up, Yaya Sanogo.

Evening, folks.

Surprisingly, I’ve found myself a little bit of free time. So, I thought to myself, “why not pen/type something extra for all those wonderful human beings that pop by to read this site?”.

If you cast your peepers over the Interwebs, you’ll find that there’s quite the conflicting opinion surrounding Yaya Sanogo. Some feel he’s “raw” with lots of potential, others feel he is another example of Arsene’s famed stingy nature and a player that shouldn’t be anywhere near the Arsenal first team. A minority become so furious at the mere mention of his name that you picture them red-faced and about to explode into a gooey mess. Such is the nature of folk.

I’m a fan. I like him a lot. I wouldn’t deny for a moment that he is quite some distance from the finished article, but what he lacks in experience and technique he makes up for with good old fashioned heart. Granted, there are moments where he appears to possess the poise and grace of an inebriated deer trying to negotiate a newly-polished hardwood floor in sports socks, but the aforementioned heart enables me to overlook a multitude of sins.  Continue reading

Javi Martinez To Arsenal And A Paucity Of News.

Shock! Horror!

Morning, folks.

You know those classic moments in Western movies where there’s deafening silence before two gunslingers fight it out? That’s today – minus the gunfire and inevitable death, that is. Things have taken a turn for the quiet and news regarding our beloved Arsenal is very much at a premium.

Such things make writing a daily post immeasurably tricky. Where do you begin? Do I ramble on about nothing in particular as much as I possibly can purely to add a few extra words to the post? Well.. If you’re a regular here you’ll know it’s certainly not beneath me to do so. However, I can imagine that gets pretty tiresome to those of you that actually read this stuff (That’s a silly thing to say given the fact I’ve already started to rattle aimlessly whilst making the point that it is possibly annoying as p*ss when I do so. Perhaps I should stop. Seriously, James… Give it a fu*king rest)

Instead, I’ll keep things brief and delve head first into a little bit of transfer rumour. Spain and Bayern’s Javi Martinez is exactly the type of player we need to strengthen the defensive side of our midfield. Continue reading

Arsenal Unleash Transfer Kraken Into Starlet’s Magnificent Aura.

“Great title today, James”

Morning, folks.

Sorry I’ve not been with you for a couple of days. The weekend was manic and I’m currently selling/moving house. All things that could have possibly conspired together to obliterate my free time have done so. The figure that sits behind his keyboard typing away is not bright-eyed and and bushy-tailed, but a shambling wretch of a man desperately in need of sleep.

Nevertheless, because I love you all so much I shall proceed.

Since I spoke to you last we’ve had the warming glow about our persons only a decent Arsenal performance can bring. Continue reading

Kallstrom Fury, No Striker, Rage, Rage, and a Little Bit More Rage.

The signing of Kim Kallstrom didn’t impress many…

Morning, folks.

He’s here! The man we’d been hoping for has arrived at the glistening gates of London Colney to grab our season by the scruff of the neck and take charge. Men want to be him, ladies want to be with him – he’s a globally recognised football brand, the apotheoisis of the modern game; it’s Kim Kallstrom!!

“Errr… Who, James?” 

Kim Kallstrom, you know, that fella who used to play at Lyon – was at Spartak Moscow before Arsenal ‘swooped’ for his services on loan.

“Never heard of him. Where the f**king f**k is Draxler? Wenger Out”

Alright, calm down. I was just being a bit silly. Truth be told, I’m only very vaguely familiar with Kallstrom.

Continue reading

Draxler Delegations, Vucinic Terms Agreed, Transfer Deadline Madness.

Prepare yourself. Rumours are attacking from every direction.

Morning, folks.

Having stated yesterday that he was “hoping to have something to tell you” to the press regarding potential incomings, Arsene has inadvertently set the rumour mill into a white-hot state of chattering. With unfortunate injuries having come along at the most inopportune of moments, we need players – so they say – and there’s plenty of stories floating around the Goonerverse to have a look-see at.

One deal that might – MIGHT – have been done is a loan with Juventus for Mirko Vucinic. He’s a furry-faced centre forward who likes to put himself about a bit – not sexually, as far as I know – and is capable of coming into the side and making an impact. I don’t claim to know all that much about him as I’m not an aficionado of Serie A, but my extensive research – YouTube – leads me to believe he has the physical attributes and style of play to suit a move to the Premiership. It’s being reported mainly in Italy that the deal was agreed yesterday with the loan initially thought to be to Inter Milan having fallen through. There could be a decent element of truth to this.

But that’s the smaller of the stories. Continue reading