The Armchair Gooner

An Arsenal blog bringing you news, opinion and humour on a daily basis. Well, I'll try at the very least…

Szczesny, Ospina Or A New Keeper And No-Go Theo Walcott.

OSSSSSSPIIIINNNNAAA good keeper so far.

Morning, folks.

I’ve the briefest of periods before I’m due to make the arduous trek toward my gainful employment, so my fingers will type with the kind of ferocity you’d associate with an Apache gunship dispatching a rebel machine gun nest – think those Warner Bros cartoons of yesteryear in which the central character had to do something with haste.

Actually, I might take my time with the writing part and instead opt to drive at breakneck speeds down the M5 with a squad of angry police in chase. You’ll see me on the morning news as the story develops and the news outlets start to send helicopters and cameras after me.

Imagine the Sky News headlines…

MAN LATE FOR WORK BECAUSE OF WRITING BLOG NOW IN HIGH-SPEED PURSUIT WITH POLICE. MR STOKES IS SAID TO BE UNSTABLE AND A TEDDY BEAR APPEARS TO BE DOING THE DRIVING.

Alternatively to all the above, I could get straight to my point. All the fluffy nonsense, as much fun as it is, serves only to lengthen the time I’m sat at the keyboard.

Remember that bit in Monty Python’s The Holy Grail where they all shout “GET ON WITH IT!”?

Moving on…

One of the debates I’ve missed contributing to since putting blogging on hold is that of our goalkeeping position. Since Szczesny blundered and smoked his way into the doghouse against Southampton, David Ospina has taken over the No1 role and thus far looked very assured there.  Continue reading

United Depay The Price And Summer Exits At Arsenal.

Cheerio in the summer?

Morning, folks.

My bowels are remarkably consistent. 30 minutes upon waking up is the time I head to the lavatory for my morning ablutions and it’s often an enjoyable, detoxing experience. This particular morning has been harrowing. Whether the core reason lies with something I ate last night is debatable – I have a cast iron stomach.

Whatever the reason, I sit down to write to you feeling slightly distressed and ill at ease. There’s something to be said for the calming influence of a textbook poo; it sets you up to face the trials and tribulations the day has to offer with a confidence in your step. What happened today was not that. It was unsettling. Without going into abhorrent detail, the best way I can muster to describe the incident is to recall any submarine film you’ve seen in which there is a sequence of a bay door opening under water and a torpedo being fired aggressively at an enemy vessel.

Now that little slice of irrelevance is out of the way, it’s time to head into the wonderful world of news and other stuff. Yesterday wasn’t much of a news day. Having spent the vast majority of the morning plotting the 50th episode of the Goonersphere Podcast with Daniel Cowan, I got around to looking over the goings on just about the time Memphis Depay announced he’d signed for Manchester United. Continue reading

Ozil, Ospina, Ramsey, Coquelin And A Terrible 3 Points.

“A yellow card for that? Really?!”

Morning, folks.

Yesterday when reviewing the game I said I’d be happy with 3 points no matter how we obtained them. Perhaps that was a touch exaggerated. Winning the match against Leicester was, obviously, of paramount importance. Dropping points at home to the side bottom of the table would have been abject. Yet we didn’t look anything remotely like a solid, cohesive unit last night and allowed our opponents to not only make a game of it, but probably warrant having taken something home with them.

In short, we were sh*t.

Whether the reasons for that stem directly from losing to Spurs is debatable. Some jitters and nerves are expected during a fixture in which winning is vital and that’s often compounded on the back of a defeat. However, more worryingly so, we looked complacent and sloppy far more than jittery.  Continue reading

How Is Arsenal’s Front Line Looking?

While the lack of a defensive midfielder and another centre-back is also an issue for Arsene Wenger, it’s no secret that Arsenal fans are still crying out for a 20+ goal a season striker to help turn this squad into genuine title contenders. But with the season now well underway, Gooners aren’t quite screaming from the rooftops about Wenger signing a new forward in January. The lack of depth in defence has been highlighted by the prospect of Laurent Koscielny spending some time on the sidelines, and the issue of a lack of a defensive midfielder remains as strong now as it has done for over a year.

So while Arsenal fans would still desperately love to see a Karim Benzema or a Klaas-Jan Huntelaar walk through the Emirates doors in January, they’d probably be happier to see a Mats Hummels or a Sami Khedira-type signing for the club. The deadline day arrival of Danny Welbeck more than made-up for the loss of Olivier Giroud to injury, and the England striker has so far more than taken his chance to impress the Arsenal fans. While the loss of Giroud was a blow to Arsenal at the time, the arrival of Welbeck has given Arsenal’s offence a new dimension and possibly made them more dynamic. Continue reading

Arsenal Prepare To SWOOP For Player In STORY That Uses CAPITALS And Is Totally MADE UP

Crazy Twitter fingers send the news across the world…

Afternoon, folks.

We live in a world of misinformation. The past few days as I’ve traversed the tedious international break my beady eyes have noticed that Arsenal have “opened talks” with somewhere in the region of 20 players, if you believe that sort of thing. I do not.

In amongst that maelstrom of spurious dross there may lurk an iota of truth, one shred of legitimacy, which will forever be lost to us all. Often I liken such things to the frequency with which I spot large supermarket chains ensuring their own brand cereal has packing that, at a passing glance, appears similar to the more recognised brands – if you think you’re getting Kellogg’s at some unconscious level, you put the box in your trolley.

The same applies online these days. If you see a post with capitalised words and it reads as important, you’ll click away and be greeted with unsubstantiated drivel.

But hey, such is life… As a means of combating that you can always rely on me to post my own unique brand of dross. That’s what I’m here for, folks.

In a week that is so very quiet because of the international matches, there is little to discuss other than what ways I can gamble my money using my betting app or the squad and it’s interminable injury list. Joining what feels like an entire team is Mesut Ozil. Continue reading

The Return Of Theo, Bargain Basement Welbeck And James’ Moaning.

“Come on, Sky, turn up at a respectable hour…”

Morning, delightful Earth creatures.

The theme of today’s post is very much waiting. Having recently re-located from Bristol to Gloucester, waiting has very much taken over my life. Previously I’ve waited for large companies such as BT and IKEA to complete relatively straight forward deliveries, only to see them fu*k things up quite spectacularly – our Swedish friends conspired to not actually turn up at all on the day they stated, whilst BT were 4 hours late. Today is the turn of Sky TV’s installation team.

Will they rise from the doldrums like an incandescent Phoenix of professionalism and manage to do as promised, or flounder in a manner similar to their established, gargantuan brethren? Today I’ll find out, and I’m already certain at this hour I’ll have to wait a considerable amount of time in order to do so.

Elsewhere, my morning consists of making phone calls – more waiting – signing up for a Red membership with Arsenal thanks to the reminders of an admirably persistent Joktopus – the same Joktopus who wrote this excellent piece about our perceived issues in defence – and shambling about my new home in just my pants. Continue reading

Griezmann bid made, Podolksi crucial and other bits of stuff.

“Just be patient. The proper football isn’t far away now”

Morning, folks. I’m flabbergastingly tired today. I spend the wee hours of Friday night in the company of a delightful and enchanting female, and followed that with a day of editorial tinkering and writing on Saturday. This morning I am up early to write before I head off to the tedium of my gainful employment.

Before I get down to the nitty-gritty of dissecting today’s news, I thought now would be the opportune moment for further shameless whoring of The Goonersphere Podcast. Filled to capacity with prurient remarks and profane outbursts, this week’s show can also boast a fully-blown rap battle between Daniel and I. For that reason alone, I suggest you have a listen.

Click here to hear the Goonersphere Podcast.

So…News.

With so much clamouring for a new signing, reports suggest that Arsenal have made an attempt to sign one. Continue reading