Monreal is better than all you cunts.
Nacho Monreal. A slightly weird name for a player with a slightly weird face slightly covered by a slightly weird haircut that always seems to tease between fringe and quiff. At this moment in time, that man happens to be the most in form defender we have. Some will say that Nacho has had a dramatic turn around over the last few games after being poor previously. Those people are liars and sex pests. Monreal has consistently been our best defender all season, to the despair of some of our fanbase who regarded him as less popular than Al Qaeda at the start of the season.
Nacho started out his Arsenal career as a solid deputy to Kieran Gibbs 2 years ago now and featured in his share of games due to the fact that Gibbs could injure himself during a tricky shit. He missed pre-season in 2013 due to Spains pointless participation in the Confederations Cup and arrived back injured having hurt his back, probably from bearing the entire defensive conscience of a nation of his shoulders. During last season he, like the entire Arsenal team and Gary Glitters career, had some good times and some very bad ones too. This was often amplified by the player in front of him. Whilst his opposite FB, Sagna was often protected by more defensively conscious players Nacho, and Gibbs when playing, were often exposed by the player in front who failed to track back and often left them in more precarious situations than John Terry covered in bacon writhing on a mosque floor. Podolski, Özil and Cazorla were all guilty at various points during the campaign of essentially telling their fullback to go fuck himself.
This season Monreal found himself in the unenviable position of having to be Laurent Koscielny, some would argue our most important player over the last couple of seasons. He adapted well, displaying proactive tackling and an excellent reading of the game whilst also being able to cover for Per Mertesacker. During this time Mertesacker often also had an unfamiliar right back at his side due to Debuchy’s injury. Perhaps because of this he offered the same sort of leadership I would if I was the pilot of a crashing plane, e.g. finding a parachute and getting the fuck out of there. Even so Monreal filled in well, in an unfamiliar central role despite being around 3ft6.
Following his period mimicking Laurent Koscielny, Nacho returned to his regular left back slot and delivered some excellent displays. Perhaps, as some suggested he gained a more detailed understanding of the defensive structure of the team whilst playing CB and is now more assured in his own position as a result. Whilst he has been playing some excellent football recently, he hasn’t been that much more impressive than during the rest of the season. He has consistently been our best defender and the plaudits that have been heading his way recently are long overdue. Admittedly, during the last 5 games he has been sensational. 24 interceptions in the last 5 games. 33 clearances in last 5 games. A display against Man City that, when watched again, is one of the finest defensive displays by a fullback in recent years. He seemed determined to hold off City’s entire right hand side and what’s more, he actually managed it. In that form he could have saved Martin Luther King. He could have saved the Third Reich. He could have kept Ian Watkins out of jail. He could have crushed the IS uprising. He could have cured Ebola if we hadn’t selfishly forced the Spanish wonder to run around for 1 and a half hours playing a children’s game.
You might disagree with my assertion that Monreal has been our best defender but then again I might suggest that you like to join Jose Mourinho in visiting elderly care homes with industrial size bottles of lubricant. For the sake of argument though, I’ll examine our other defenders. Gibbs has been crippled and when he has played, he hasn’t been anything special. For someone who likes to get forward as he does, his end product is woeful. Koscielny is ineligible, having missed a large section of the season. Mertesacker, perhaps struggling with a World Cup hangover, was so poor at the start of the season that Debuchy looked like the far superior and confident CB, despite never having played there before. Mathieu also misses out, having only played about 4 games for us due to a horrifically unlucky couple of injuries. Calum Chambers has shown promise but also his naivety, especially when torn apart against Swansea, and never looks comfortable playing at RB, his only position for Southampton. Bellerin has come in and after a torturous debut vs Dortmund, excelled whilst showing his excellent technique and blistering pace which has been helpful in recovering to defend. His positioning and decision making has been poor at times though. That’s all our defenders, folks. Now I don’t want it to seem like Monreal has been the best purely because the others have been bad. His displays this season have been excellent and even if others hadn’t been injured I still believe that he would be our first choice LB and a vital member of the team.
The chances of some of our fans, typically run of the mill “I miss the 1970’s” fucknugget WOB posse, admitting they were wrong about Monreal is about as likely as the Pope leading Celtic into battle in Iraq on the side of Islamic State. However deep down, amongst the self loathing and anal herpes they will know that lovable little FOREIGN!!! ruffian has been the best defender we’ve had this season. They’ll remain loudly outraged that dependable English Kieran Gibbs has been kept out the team, although not as outraged as they would be if he was white.
Thanks for reading and thanks to James for hosting this. I would like to vocalise the feelings of many gooners by saying I’d like James to quit his job to focus full time on entertaining shenanigans and blogging. Or at least pump out more whimsical content. However the Chelsea booted, skinny legged harlot of the dark insists that all his free time must be spent cultavating his facial hair into looking like a feminists minge. An understandable hobby.