January 2008. The heart-breaking moment when news is delivered to Tomas Rosicky that he has been struck down with a case of “The Gods hate Arsenal”. Gooners capable of understanding how football is actually played are beside themselves with grief. Tomas spends a large amount of his time in rehabilitation trying to recover from this setback. However he is stricken once more and as he ages he begins to worry for his career. He then decided that fear was for fannybandits and set off in search of The Fountain Of Youth.
Tomas set out quickly for word had reached his ears that the w*nky Tottenham Hotspur had sent out their own expedition to find the fabled Fuente de la Eterna Juventud in a desperate, futile attempt to save Ledley King’s knee. Having gathered supplies Tomas set about convincing his close friend Mathieu Flamini to accompany him on the expedition, just in case Danny Rose had to be put back in his place. Mathieu faked his disappearance to Milan and Jared Leto was hired to portray Rosicky at home. The friends set forth on their ship, heading to the New World in the West.
Their initially speedy progress was curtailed by horny whales and Somalian pirates with no sense of direction. Luckily Mathieu had killed the first sexually aggressive whale and used its carcass to sink the ship of the sea bandits. One of the drowning men begged for help but since he was wearing a Razorlight t-shirt our duo left him to die, like all good men should. Wild fish and seabirds told Tomas that progress must be sped up for the w*nky Tottenham Hotspur party had forged ahead by throwing Juande Ramos overboard.
After some time at sea Rosicky and Flamini spotted land, and the shattered remains of a ship upon the shore. Beaching the ship, they discovered Dimitar Berbatov lounging about smoking 4000 cigarettes whilst being pleasured by what appeared to be a man-tiger. Closer inspection revealed it to be Paul Scholes in a tiger print onesie. Dimitar explained that the Tottenham party had entered the jungle and he had grown tired of all this movement and wished only to be with his new love in Manchester. Our duo left Berbatov with his scurvy ridden companion and entered into the jungle in pursuit of those incestuous d*ckwhisperers.
As Tomas and Mathieu made their way through the jungle they were waylaid by a group of indigenous residents who took them back to their village. It soon emerged that those same villagers had captured part of the Spurs party who were so intent on finding the Fountain. The Spurs group had no chance of escape as David Bentley was happy as the villagers bitch and Luka Modric’s witch like face held no power there. Gareth Bale looked strangely subdued even as Bentley stripped for the villagers in front of him.
However our duo needed to escape and sensed their chance when the villagers were celebrating Barack Obama’s miraculous presidential victory. Modric tried to raise the alarm as our intrepid heroes fled but Bacary Sagna appeared and kicked his Luka’s tonsils into his scrotum. Bacary had been wearing Gareth Bale’s skin as a disguise this whole time, that devious so and so. Bacary caught up with our warriors and they pressed onwards.
Having lost most of their supplies when seized our trio had to forage for food, surviving from nothing but berries and the occasional tourist who’d took the wrong exit from Disney World. Their strength replenished they charged on, guided only by the feeling in Tom’s balls and a gift left by The Ancients, something they called “Google Maps”.
They came upon the cave entrance that they sought and found Giovanni dos Santos aimlessly kicking a ball off of a wall muttering “But I used to play for Barcelona…”. The trio passed through the gap in the stone and found themselves in a cave of epic proportions.
At the side water flowed from an unseen source and our heroes headed towards its glistening flow. As they reached the edge of the remarkable pool the final member of the fruitless Tottenham party appeared at the cave opening. Rosicky helpfully told Darren Bent to Mind the Gap in the rock before Mathieu ‘split dat mofo in half’. A shimmering apparition came forth at the water’s edge and revealed himself to be Saint Jesus.
Despite our trio’s heroics only one would be allowed to drink from the fountain and he couldn’t let the others do it too since his dad was a bit of a stickler for the rules. Tomas drank from the water and every fibre of his body was rejuvenated and young again. Saint Jesus asked if they wanted to get a blaze on with him but our trio explained they had to return for the Arsenal needed them.