We are here. Gone is the participation of England in an international tournament. What remains is a state of footballing purgatory; a desolate, frightening area, bereft of our beautiful game and accompanied by the perpetual howls of cackling transfer spinsters.
The spinsters I mention are those folks out there in Arsenal’s gargantuan blogging community with a propensity for invention, and no small measure of perseverance, too. They cackle and shriek potential gossip, they twitter and tweet until each fantastical, nonsensical notion they’ve cultivated and sent into the world has sufficiently garnered responses and attention. Essentially, they are proficient merchants of balderdash.
I’ve often considered giving it a shot. The concept is deliciously simple: I’d claim to have an ‘inside source’ who risks certain dismissal to hand me nuggets of information no other human being can possibly get their paws on. Once said nuggets were in my possession, I’d begin tweeting with no small measure of self-importance. I’d say things like “I’ll let you know more when I have it” or “Tomorrow I’ve got a big scoop” in order to portray myself as a wise old sage who has your best interests at heart.
Of course, those of you blessed with an iota of common sense would see through my ruse. “Piss off, James” you’d angrily declare. “You have self-esteem issues and these rumours are nothing more than a scramble for the gratification focus and attention brings” you’d rightfully sneer. “You are no more ‘ITK’ than an assortment of disgruntled geese” would be your final – slightly bizarre – denunciation.
With such antics rife, it’s nice to see that we have official conformation today. Olivier Giroud is a Gooner. There’s proof. I have some, too. Here it is:
Splendid news. Arsene Wenger himself also seems quite chuffed – bless his cotton socks. He had this to say about our newest French import.
“Olivier has a very good physical presence and is exceptional in the air, with a great work ethic.
“We are excited about Olivier joining us and he will add an additional dimension to our attacking options next season.
“He has proved that he is capable of performing at the top level with club and country, and we saw what a big influence he was in Montpellier’s championship-winning side last season.”
The man once alarmingly dubbed as ‘the French Andy Carroll’ by someone – I forget who it was – has an excellent scoring record in France with Montpellier. Like most of you, I can’t claim to be an expert on his abilities, but from what I’ve mustered thus far, he looks a fine signing and I’m very happy.
Elsewhere, a few little bits of news began filtering around that Arsene has pulled the plug on the M’Vila deal due to Yann’s unpredictable and petulant behaviour – I assume this is because he slapped his sisters boyfriend. Whether or not this carries any truth, or is simply the work of the spinsters remains to be seen.
That’s all for today. I’ve had a busy old day and I’m pooped. An evening of looking at potential holiday destinations beckons. Thanks for reading, you beautiful bastards. Please take a moment to comment. Go on. You know you wanna…