It is a question that has plagued us since Mourinho entered into the nations gaze and began polluting the very air we breathe. Although he has existed since before Time, Mourinho waited until recently to expose his monumental talent for suffering. Devoid of any real qualities he was soon rumbled and fled to Italia. However he awakened from his oligarch imposed slumber and now sits atop his throne masturbating over quote seeking journalists and cancer victims. Is he however, humanities biggest ever bastard? The other contenders must be examined.
Bastard: Attila the Hun Role: Barbarian Leader
A savage and ruthless leader, the empire of Atilla The Hun stretched from Europe to the East. Invaded many lands with a patented method of mayhem and destruction and was feared by even the mighty Roman Empire. His cruelty was without equal and untold amounts fell to death, famine and rape during his rule. Notorious hater of democracy and Arcade Fire.
Bastard: Michael Bay Role: Director A man with crimes so heinous it makes me feel defiled just talking about them. Bay exited his mother’s womb explosively, killing not only her but everyone in the hospital except himself. Buoyed by the commercial success he encountered selling footage of his birth Bay released horror after horror upon the human race. Transformers 2 was heralded by critics, since they theorised that cinema could go no lower and therefore every subsequent film would be an improvement. Has single-handedly kept the American car industry going for 19 years due to his predilection for flipping them in an eye catching manner. Loves cigars and revenge porn.
Bastard: Hitler Role: Leader of the Third Reich
One would imagine you are vaguely familiar with Hitler. Perhaps you’re one of those strange urban youths who seem to believe that civilisation only began when the IPhone came out so I will expand on his claim to infinite bastarddom. Hitler seized power and started being a bit of a prick right from the off. He persecuted minorities and outlawed Country music. He then tried to expand German territory by killing all those in the surrounding territories. After a brief struggle, it went tits up for the wannabe German. Currently spends his time getting bear raped in the afterlife. Loves tolerance and alco-shits.
Bastard: Johnny Depp Role: Actor
This man is responsible for more pain than heart disease and rickets combined. Depp has captured the imagination and desires of women for the last 30 years and shows no signs of succumbing to the ravages of time, the bastard. Women then judge the men they meet against how they perceive Depp to act and Tim Burton’s arseraider usually wins. Sure, he has his own island, plays guitar, sings and may be the most talented actor of his generation but I can do 4 push-ups in a row so, DO YOU LOVE ME NOW, WHORE!?!?! Loves bestiality and finger puppetry.
Bastard: George Lucas Role: Bastard
They were perfect George. They were fucking perfect. Never before have I been so convinced that an individual has been replaced by a cyborg from the future with the sole intention of shitting all over said individual’s legacy. The prequels had Ewan McGregor, Samuel Muthafucking Jackson, Christopher Lee, Natalie Portman and Liam Neeson and it still sucked. When pirating takes over it will be entirely because of the disappointment I faced seeing those movies in the cinema. Then there was Indiana Jones. I use to feel nostalgic and heart warmed by Harrison’s escapades but Shia LeBouf shattered those memories as well. That CGI swinging monkey scene was conclusive proof that Lucas should be checked for Alzheimers. Hates WKD and Angela Merkel.
Bastard: Ryan Shawcross Role: War Criminal
You know damn well why he’s on the list. Loves deepthroating orphans and maiming the young.
Bastard: Pope Urban II Role: King of the ?????
It’s probable that you don’t know who this particular Pope was despite his mark on history. It was this particular Pope who decreed that Palestine should belong to Christianity and sent forth the first Crusaders. In addition to the casualties from battle, the Crusaders had a habit of massacring most inhabitants in conquered cities which further increased the body count. Subsequent wars and conflicts can be traced to this event and continues almost 1000 years later. Urban, you cock. Likes monastic chanting and Super Mario Bros
There are many more bastards that should be considered, it’s true, yet I feel the search for a bastard bigger than Mourinho would be a long and ultimately fruitless one. What tilts the scales in his favour, besides of course his natural talent for bastardtry, is that he somehow masks the true mature of his bastarddom from individuals. Writers far more eloquent than me have tried to explain why his patented brand of smug condescension captivates the masses more than any other can. The only logical thing to do is to get the mob ready and eradicate him before he further corrupts humanity.
I’ve been Dyllan Munro and you can reach me on Twitter @GoonerDyllan if you wish to give me a little bit of feedback. All that remains is to thank Bristol’s most notorious bastard for allowing me to besmirch his site with my filth.